Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. (the Chevy Nova story)

This post is about cars. Kind of.

I am lazily ignoring the world in my freezing cold bedroom as a sort of protest today. I am sick of cleaning up after other people. I did not go to a fancy art's high school or The London Academy of Music and Dramatic Arts so that I could be a maid. That is not why I moved to LA many years ago - I have no intention of being a maid TODAY. Not TODAY, anyway.

I also had a stupid, horrible morning that took me on a round trip excursion down memory lane. I ended up driving past my old house (where Izzy was born) and my old haunts - including the place where I very first landed here. Before I found my first apartment. It all felt like a sign. A sign of WHAT - I have no idea. I feel like I'm in an M. Night Shyamalan movie today. Anything could happen - maybe I should just hide.
But it also felt like maybe it was the last time I'd see these places. I might be moving soon. So, that makes me think I should get back to some of these LA stories before I forget them....

The last one about my PAST was when I was dating Pen Pendleton. Living up on Hollyridge in the house that Monty Clift used to live in. (yea, I can call him Monty, cause I lived in his old house with his ghost as a roomy.)
That spring, after I did my pilot, Max went to visit his Dad in Dallas (as usual) for spring break. And when he came back, he was full of stories. Some bad, some good. Then this happened.

I was driving an old Chevy Nova with the back windshield broken out. I think I have mentioned this car before. And the morning after Max got back from Texas, he climbed into my car through the back - OPEN - windshield to come with me on my auditions (as he always did), and then promptly said this, "MY DAD has a brand new Mercedes. Did you know that?" -(he was sort of looking around my car with a disgusted look on his face)
"No. I didn't. That's nice."
"It's really nice and expensive and it's all leather inside. How come WE can't have a nicer car? This one's old and crappy."
I felt like I was reeling from a slap in the face. Of course Max didn't mean anything bad by it.
"Well...." I said, looking at him, and trying to think on my feet, "Does your dad let you eat food in his fancy, new Mercedes?"
Max thought about it."Nope.Not at ALL. Not even a drink or anything."
"Well, you can eat in this car. We do it all the time, right?"
Max didn't look convinced. "Yea..."he said.
"AND...can you hop into your Dad's car through the BACK WINDSHIELD like you're in a TV show or something?"
"No! Of course not!" (Max looked like a little light bulb had just gone off in his head)
"AND...do I ever get mad at you for spilling anything in this car, or making a mess?"
"No!" he practically yelled. Max was looking a LOT happier. "And my Dad's car doesn't get super, super windy on the freeway, either!" Max piped in. (I hadn't realized that was a plus, but I was glad he felt that way!)
"So." I said, "It's really all in how you look at it. Your Dad's car might be prettier and fancier, but maybe MY car is more fun..?"
"Our car IS more fun, Mom!" Max said happily. Then he confessed, "My Dad did yell at me a couple of times for even messing around in his car. I guess this car's pretty cool. All of my friends think it's cool to go in through the windshield, too."

When Pen realized that there was a giant hole right beneath the feet of the driver's side, he patched it up for me with some plywood. He fixed a couple other little things on it, too. But, ultimately, when I walked away from that car a few months later- leaving it at the intersection of Fountain and Fairfax - it still didn't have a back windshield.
Are you kidding? After that whole sell to Max - the missing windshield was the coolest thing about it.

Coyotes.

As I sit here, attempting to write (on this warm summer night) I can hear the coyotes howl across the canyon. And I feel like running away with them. Giving way to my animal soul, and running off with them into the night. Hunting, killing, howling, fucking.

My animal soul has needs.
Needs that are not being met. So,as humans do, I try to appease these desires with alcohol,food,literature,HBO - and in my bizarre case - Benadryl. (Benadryl is my drug of choice for sleeping.)

Like most well educated Anglo/European people I have gone through a good part of my life with my brain ruling the day.

Here's an example : "If I can't have love, I'll write about it. That should do nicely." or, "If i can't have sex, I'll write about it WHILE sedating myself with copious amounts of alcohol so I don't actually FEEL anything - it will all just be in my BIG ASS BRAIN."

But sometimes, you know, when the coyotes are out - howling away across the canyon - and it echoes here like a bugle beckoning one to war - and the itch that can't be scratched by HBO (as brilliant as it is!) or even BBC or PBS or any amount of writing starts to crawl under my skin - I swear to God - it's all I can do to keep myself from running right out of this warm room (with all of it's WINDOWS and DOORS!!! sometimes it's like a jail, this beautiful place!) and joining up with the coyotes.I'll be DAMNED if I don't hate all of these stupid routines and rules that we all live by so FUCKING much sometimes! (and if you READ this blog - you WILL note that I hardly EVER say 'fucking') - and there is a part of me that is a well brought up girl who wants to say "I'm sorry" for cursing - even on a page that very few will ever read - but then there is coyote howling in my brain and blood that that doesn't give a FUCK.

Do you know what I mean?

Possibly I am losing my mind.
I have been thinking about this pretty intensely lately.

Because I tried to do the "right thing".
I really did.
I married a man who was "safe" and he turned out to be a drug addict and beat me to a pulp in front of my 2 daughters.
I married him because he WASN'T a crazy artist or musician or actor and everyone around me said "He's a good bet!"
I've tried so hard to do that "right thing". Get married, settle down - and it's really bitten me in the ass.

And I have to admit that mostly - I feel better off than my married friends. (So many of them call me telling me how stuck and miserable they are) - and of COURSE there are examples of GREAT marriages and families that taunt me - make me feel like a LOSER. But it seems to me that that's the exception, not the rule.

I've been watching all of these science shows with my wonderful, brainiac little boy lately. We are animals. And animals are vicious. It's eat or be eaten in their world.The coyote that kills the most gets the most - of everything. Alpha dogs, and the other dogs. And let's face it - I AM NOT AN ALPHA DOG. If I were a fish, I'd already be eaten.

But sometimes - just sometimes - I feel like a strong, caged up coyote that just needs to get back to her pack.

And tonight's one of those nights.

Californication.

I just got back from the Barnsdall Farmers' market - which I love because it's wed AFTERNOONS. (I am not a morning person in case you have not figured this out yet, or it's your first time checking this out), The other reason I love this farmers' market so, so much is because it is at the Barnsdall Art Park. Very close to my house, and an amazing place. The park houses the Hollyhock house (a famous Wright masterpiece), and a theater, and art studios, art classes for kids, yoga classes in the grass, festivals, the IDEA PROJECT last year, and all kinds of cool stuff! It is also on a beautiful piece of property which has recently been replanted the way the original owner and gardener had desired - olive trees all the way up the hill until you get to the main lawns. The olive trees are now grown in enough to be quite, quite beautiful, and on a day like this, I can think of no better way to spend my time than wandering through the sweet little farmers' market at the bottom of the hill, looking up at all of those olive trees, and sampling fresh,organic, local produce and chatting with the sellers of all those lovely things.

I will tell you that the nectarines I sampled and came home with taste like CANDY - they are so sweet! And that perfect texture! The strawberries, likewise - nothing like the tasteless ones you find at the market. Smaller and sweeter and juicy - YUM!!!
I made a giant salad for the boys (Mark is over helping despite cloncking his poor toe yesterday and almost losing a whole toe-nail! And Max and Jake are KILLING it out on the sunporch - stripping,sanding,painting whilst they blare the Arctic Monkeys!) and myself from these beautiful farmers' market gems. Max says I should call it the 'Barnsdale' - a nod to Barnsdall, but a little classier sounding. It's sort of a Mediterranean/nicoise with a tart,garlic-y vinaigrette. It was a big hit. Definitely going on a menu some day!

So, here I am, on one of the hottest days we've had all summer.I think it's 88 degrees with a nice cool breeze. I'm feeling bad for the greater part of the country.I checked out the 10 day forecast for Austin (where my sister is stuck) and there are "extreme heat warnings" in place for all of the upcoming 10 days. YIKES!!
Mark is now planting some succulents in my garden that he literally found on the side of the road. I used to hate being here in the summer.I don't know if LA has changed or if I have (or a little of both)- but now I can hardly imagine wanting to be anywhere else for the summer!

Where else can you look forward to movies in one of the most beautiful cemeteries in the country AND classical music at the Hollywood Bowl all summer? If it DOES get too hot - the beach is 20 minutes away. If you REALLY get too hot , and stir crazy - San Fransisco is 5 and a half hours away by car - it's RIGHT THERE. So is Big Sur, Three Rivers, Palm Springs, Joshua tree, Big Bear, Lake Arrowhead, San Diego and Mexico. Yosemite, Mammoth Mountain,Catalina, Coronado (where 'Some Like it Hot' was filmed)are all also a stone's throw!

Ok. I admit it. I am Californicationed. Californicated? You get the idea.I LOVE CALIFORNIA!!! I love the way we vote, I love it that Mary Jane is legal for medicine, I love it that even our incompetent republican governor cared about the environment and consequently our beaches and cities have gotten CLEANER since I've lived here. I love all of the diverse culture we have,I love that we are not homophobic freaks here, I love the freakin' weather (like everyone else)and I love, love, love the natural beauty of this state.

Max and Jake now have 'WICKER's new CD playing - 'The League of Lonely Hearts'. It's so catchy....and so...I don't know...cool.Happy sounding to me, despite the title.
I really thought I had something deep to say to tie this blog together - but - honestly, I am so content and happy right now, it's gone right out of my head.

Maybe THAT is the real down side to California. It's just too much fun for some of us to ever get anything significant done.