The Birthday Party

That Friday before my birthday, Pen came over after work with flowers for me. I don't know if I can describe the feelings that went with those flowers - I almost felt like I had slipped into some alternate world. A world where it was GOOD to have a baby and the news was celebrated - BY THE FATHER!!! Even though we weren't married and hadn't EVEN discussed it. My head was reeling, my heart was confused and somersaulting - I was all over the place. When Pen gave me that ..that LOOK...and handed me flowers with tears in his eyes, I threw my arms around him and didn't let go. If I had had any doubts about him before (and lets face it - I had doubts), they were completely banished that day. I have always known that a huge part of my personality is loyalty (I am loyal like a saved dog), and that day Pen earned my undying loyalty.

The next day was my party. It unfolded in dream form.So many things to do to get ready for this "huge" party, that I was distracted up until the very eye of the storm. The house we were living in was WAYYYYY up in the Hollywood Hills - up winding streets, hard to find, on the edge of the mountain that looked over all of Hollywood. Montgomery Clift's old house - it had high, vaulted ceilings and a deck on stilts that showcased the sparkling lights of downtown LA. I had ordered hundreds of balloons. When they came, Max and I marveled at how they looked as they floated up to fill the vaulted ceiling and trail curly ribbons down just at head level in the living room.
I filled the bathtub with ice and beer(my bathtub - not Scott's fancy jacuzzi tub.)Pen came through with his promise to buy a vat of champagne, and the kitchen was filled with every bottle imaginable, plus deli snacks and fruit and cheese and....on and on....
As the evening unfolded, with guests panting into the front door (parking was an issue up there - some had to park blocks away), I watched and felt the evening as if I was outside of my body looking down at everything from the perspective of the balloons up in the nooks of the vaulted ceiling.

The party WAS big. So many people came, I could hardly believe it - people were squeezing into every corner of the house and tiny garden...
Amongst a cacophony of laughter and color and music, I watched Pen take groups of people outside and pour them champagne, give them cigars. Watched the people he told our news to smile and laugh and give him big hugs.In my sober but hormone fueled state, things were confusing and emotional. I never seemed to be there when Pen was telling people that he was having a baby.Except for one group. The person that introduced us. And his brother. I was there for that.
Pen got Patrick Voetberg and Eric Voetberg and I together and thanked Patrick for introducing us. Then he poured champagne and told the happy news. Patrick hugged Pen, then me. Pen was brimming over with tears. Eric shook Pen's hand, then hugged him, and he hugged me too. Then Eric gave me a look. He is, by nature, a quiet fellow. And I don't know what his look meant for sure - but I took it to mean, "Are YOU ok?"
Which I REALLY appreciated. REALLY, REALLY, REALLY.


It was pretty intense for me. So much new information, so many new feelings, so many unanswered questions. My sublet was coming to an end soon. Would I live with Pen? Would I find a new place on my own with 2 kids to think about now? How much would he be involved - a little - or a lot? And how would this affect my work? Thoughts like this were dropping into my head a mile a minute as the music played on, and the balloons finally began to fall and my friends sucked their contents and spoke in silly, helium-induced high voices. We were all so young.

And I was going to have another baby.