losing my house..

I've been too busy and depressed to write for a while. Mostly too depressed.
Like many other Americans, I am losing my house. For sort of the same reasons, and sort of different ones. I'm not 'under water' - and it's not that I signed a loan that I didn't understand. It's more just about being underemployed (especially this year)and having had my credit destroyed by evil Citibank - it's a crazy story, which I am not allowed to discuss due to the terms of the settlement. (I think I AM allowed to say that they were supposed to restore my credit COMPLETELY within 5 days of said settlement - that was over a year ago and - yup. Still hasn't happened.)
I paid some guy $4,000 this summer to help me get the credit stuff worked out, and tried to finagle any and every trick in the book short of bank robbery to get into a decent loan - but I failed. If I HAD gotten into a decent loan, I could have rented the house out and MADE money on it. I have a lot of equity in the house (or so I thought - this market may prove me wrong)- but without the credit and the steady job...I failed.
After paying the mortgage on this house by myself for 18 years, my kids looking forward to bringing their kids here some day,after 18 years of SOMEHOW always paying the property taxes and brush clearance for an acre and a half of land, making it through all of the problems that home owners go through - I have now FAILED.

And I feel like a failure.
And it sucks.

And I know - I should count my blessings. And I do. I really do. I have my beautiful children, we are all healthy and smart, and things really could be a lot, lot worse. I know they are for so many people in this country right now. I know that.

I'll make a new home somewhere else. And it will be good. I'll pant tomatoes again. I'll plant bulbs and sunflowers, make birthday cakes and Christmas cookies...
..and who knows...maybe I'll even find a boyfriend.