Saturday, November 7, 2009

Virginity....the first attempt to lose it.

Well, I have to thank FaceBook. I just found the guy I lost my virginity to, after having lost him for 10 years. Maybe longer. It's so good to know he's alive. I love him. I always will, and I'm inspired to write these 2 stories down. I think they're good ones.
When I was 14 years old, my grandmother allowed me to research and find a boarding school of my choice "with a good acting dept." So, always the good student (and DESPERATE to get out of TX) - I went to the downtown Dallas Library and found the 2 schools in the country with EXCELLENT acting depts. The one one I chose and went to was and is called Interlochen Arts Academy. And it was an AMAZING place.
Interlochen is aptly named because it is snuggled in between many lakes in upstate Michigan, just North of Traverse City, the cherry capitol of the world.It looked like a postcard to me, coming from Texas. Especially coming back from Christmas break, when everything was covered with pure white snow, all the way to the roofs of the very few houses and buildings. Christmas trees and frozen lakes everywhere, and much of the school was comprised of little log cabins scattered throughout the forrest. They were super tiny (many of them) because they were used in the summer for practice cabins during the much larger summer camp portion of the year.And because of their size, I always felt like I was in Christmas Village or something...I could imagine lots of little Elves making toys and candy in those cabins. In the winter there were only about 400 students trapped up in this pine-scented winter wonderland - all of us there to make art of one kind or another.
The biggest group of students were there for music. Mostly classical, but some jazz as well.We spent our weekends going to symphonies,or poetry readings, or plays, or art exhibitions. It was SOOO stimulating. It seemed like my mind and heart were continuously being challenged and rewarded and broken and then uplifted for the entire 2 years that I was there. And it was SO liberating compared to Texas!
I will never forget the first Halloween at Interlochen. Everyone came to the dining room in costume as a first stop to the evening, and I think my little repressed southern jaw must have dropped to the floor when I saw 1: the lesbian couple who came as an abortion, and 2: Tom Suds, (the cutest gay guy ever) dressed as a playboy bunny. High heels, lipstick, false eyelashes and everything! I know it doesn't seem like a big deal now at ALL - but for ME - back then, from TEXAS...it was AWESOME.
So that was my world the last 2 years of high school.I lived in a magical place that not many people get to experience.I was surrounded by mad talent of all kinds....and although I had some wicked crushes and lovely puppy love, I wasn't ready to really think about sex until the end of my senior year.
Now, I might muddle the time line a little here - but that's not important. What's important is that I went to a jazz concert in the last semester of high school and suddenly became aware of Jeff Forrester.He played the Sax. Oh MY WONDERFUL,WONDERFUL GOD.He was AMAZING - on the sax. I don't remember how I actually came to talk to him, he was really shy, and so was I - with him, anyway - but I will never forget him playing Coltraine and feeling like I was melting from the inside out as I listened to him.He was cute, too. In a wierd, quiet, akward kind of a way. He had really pretty red hair, pale skin, a few freckles, a crooked, infectious smile, and the warmest brown eyes maybe in the whole world. His eyes were so deep and so sincere I wanted to fall right into them and never come out.
So...some how..we started hanging out. Taking long walks - talking about all kinds of things, and - you know - making out in the forrest. That's pretty much what you did. Then I started sneaking him into my room...and he was the oddest guy! It makes me laugh thinking about it now. He became fast friends with my suite-mates, and pretty soon my room-mate, Maura, was shaving his legs, and doing all kinds of silly crap with him. He just wanted to know how it felt to be a girl. She was a doll, she was really good about going over to Hil's room so we could have privacy, and our making out got more and more intense. There was a LOT of giggling involved.I'm just remembering now, that Jeff was the first guy I ever took a shower with. I can't believe he talked me into it - I was so self loathing of my body (I wish I could do THAT over). He was so sweet, though - and I felt so safe with him.He left me a note. It said something like .."come join me - the water's fine!" ...and I did. And it didn't hurt a bit.
After weeks of walks, talks, laughing our heads off and driving each other crazy with most of our clothes on, I'm pretty sure it was my idea to take the plunge.I already loved him, and I knew it would be ok between us afterwards no matter what, so I pitched him. I pitched my suite-mates, too. They were very encouraging. And Jeff was game, so we made a plan.
Maura and Hilary helped me figure out exactly what music I should have playing, Maura made arrangements to sleep somewhere else that night (maybe just in Hil's - I don't remember) - Hilary gave me a couple of candles, and we made a group effort to sneak Jeff in after lights out. It was very exciting.
I was so nervous, but it was so much fun. It really felt like an adventure. I think the albums (yup - ALBUMS - I'm pretty old) started at about midnight, and it took us at least 3 full albums to get all of our clothes off. Every article was like a sacred offering to the Gods of love and sex. And he was so slow and gentle and teasing. It was amazing. And only the second time (after the shower) I had been naked with him. With anyone. I was shocked at how pretty and sexy he made me feel. I was shocked at how really awesome his body was under his weird clothes and how incredible he smelled and tasted. It was all going so well...
And then.....the moment of truth arrived, and Jeff was....well...he wasn't hard.
I was crushed. I think I pretty quickly started asking if it was me - if I wasn't sexy and all that stuff - and he started laughing. I didn't know what to make of it! He was laughing and giggling so uncontrollably he couldn't speak. His whole body was shaking he was laughing so hard. I might have started crying a little bit.He just couldn't stop laughing. Finally he choked out - "It's not you. It's not you" and kind of tried to hold me or hug me, but he was still laughing so hard it was a really akward hug - or hold - or whatever.
At LONG last Jeff quit laughing and said (very out of breath) .."Jennifer. I've had a hard on since , like 11:00.I'm just exhausted, that's all. It just took so long..."
I didn't know whether to believe him or not. I squirmed a little bit away, and looked around for a shirt or something, feeling suddenly vulnerable. That's when I noticed the first rays of sun creeping in through my makeshift, hippie curtains. I looked back at Jeff. His face was extremely reassuring. Then I started to laugh.
We laughed so hard we both started crying. We were laughing so hard and going over the whole night play by play - which made us laugh even more. Pretty soon Maura and Hilary crept in to see how it went. I remember them both standing there in their pj's just shaking their heads - looking at us like we were a couple of insane people.
The night reminded me of a scene in a Woody Allen movie. If he'd ever written about teenagers.
And that was my first attempt.