Penis Shaped Food

So...here I am. Trying to sell my house in a BAD market. Feeling ALL kinds of things - but mostly remembering all of the great memories and parties and growing up and love that has happened in this house. (This house should be marketed as 'the house of LOVE'- no joke!)

And during this ...experience...I remembered that I have been trying to get my sister out here for YEARS to go to Day of the Dead with me - because it's one of the coolest things in the WHOLE WORLD. No joke. The Day of the Dead thing at Hollywood Forever is jam packed with music, art, dance,food, drink, costumes - all in and around graves of famous actors and regular folk - CELEBRATED as if they are ALL STILL HERE FOR THE PARTY. It's SOOO cool that I MADE our brother buy her a ticket to LA so we could go one last time before I move to who-knows-where.

Let's call my sister Paloma - shall we?
She had only 2 and a half days in LA to hang with me and the kids and experience Day of the Dead for herself. And the funny thing is....well...this is what happened...

Paloma is picked up from LAX by Blue and I in my nondescript Toyota.I am wearing a bright blue wig and cat make-up on my face. She dons her BIG WIG. Marie Antoinette style.We get a bite at the ORIGINAL FARMER'S MARKET on the way home. She loves the vibe. Stop at Trader Joe's for tequila and limes on the way home. Are joined by brother forces at the home-stead. Meet up with Mark and Saara and parties (including the young 'Ryan') at Day of the Dead. Proceed to take in art, music, dance ,food, booze, have a BALL.......!!!!!!!!!!

Paloma doesn't eat much. She has corn on the cob, and a long plantain thing at the cemetery.She is mostly vegetarian.I worry about the fact that she is drinking and NOT eating too much... this could be bad.
Anyway, we make it home and Paloma goes to bed pretty quickly.
At 4 am, I am awakened by the sound of her retching into my bathroom....uh oh.

The next day she is sick beyond belief, but we must ALL vacate the house for a big open house....NOT GOOD. At brunch, she leans on Ryan heavily and feels terrible. Luckily, my brother can offer her his bedroom/bathroom for the duration of the 'open house'.
When I pick her up after the open house and drive her back to my place, we are both scared that she is still feeling SO badly and contemplate taking her to the ER.

"Well, have you had a 'headache hangover'?" I ask.
"Not at ALL." she replies. Confusing.

Luckily, we had planned a big ,family dinner in her honor that night. She was NOT able to attend, but my brother's girlfriend was. I made penne with mushrooms and spinach in a light cream sauce and a big salad with warm bread.
My brother's girlfriend mentioned that Paloma had had a street hot dog right before we got into the car to leave the night before.

"No, she didn't", I said. "she doesn't eat meat!"
"She DID." was the reply. "And the guy TOLD her it was all BEEF - but she ate it anyway! I swear - I SAW her!"

A light bulb went off in my head!
As far as I could tell, she had only had the vegetarian stuff that we had all had - corn on the cob, and a plantain - stuff that other people in our group had had and not gotten sick over!

Paloma and I talked it over that night. She could NOT remember having that street dog - but she was not surprised, either.
"I KNOW what's happening!" she declared to me when she was feeling better.
"What!?" I asked.
"I haven't been with a guy for four and a half years - I mean, REALLY - and I was reaching for that HOT DOG - that WIENER - and it was ...you know.."
"You wanted a wiener?" I asked.
"Yes! I was thinking about that ....man. That Ryan. And I just NEEDED a wiener."
"Wait a minute.. " I said, "are you telling me that you only ate WIENER shaped food last night!?"
Paloma burst into laughter. "Ha! YES!!! Penis shaped FOOD!!!! That tell'
s you what STATE I'm in!!!"
"A plantain, corn on the cob, and a street WIENER!!!!" I howled..."That's hilarious!!"

Four and a half years since my sister had been in any intimate dating situation...it figures.

The next day, on the way to the airport in Obama-crazed traffic,she confessed to stealing into Ryan's room in the middle of the night. There was snuggling (pretty innocent and cute), but - the FUNNY thing was.... she fell asleep holding his.....hot dog,corn on the cob,plantain shaped extremity.

Oh, life. You are the ultimate stand-up.
Girls just want to have fun.
Girls need boys, and boys need girls.
And if anyone needs something wiener-shaped badly enough - it JUST MIGHT MAKE THEM SICK.
And it also might make them feel better.

I'm just sayin'......

losing my house..

I've been too busy and depressed to write for a while. Mostly too depressed.
Like many other Americans, I am losing my house. For sort of the same reasons, and sort of different ones. I'm not 'under water' - and it's not that I signed a loan that I didn't understand. It's more just about being underemployed (especially this year)and having had my credit destroyed by evil Citibank - it's a crazy story, which I am not allowed to discuss due to the terms of the settlement. (I think I AM allowed to say that they were supposed to restore my credit COMPLETELY within 5 days of said settlement - that was over a year ago and - yup. Still hasn't happened.)
I paid some guy $4,000 this summer to help me get the credit stuff worked out, and tried to finagle any and every trick in the book short of bank robbery to get into a decent loan - but I failed. If I HAD gotten into a decent loan, I could have rented the house out and MADE money on it. I have a lot of equity in the house (or so I thought - this market may prove me wrong)- but without the credit and the steady job...I failed.
After paying the mortgage on this house by myself for 18 years, my kids looking forward to bringing their kids here some day,after 18 years of SOMEHOW always paying the property taxes and brush clearance for an acre and a half of land, making it through all of the problems that home owners go through - I have now FAILED.

And I feel like a failure.
And it sucks.

And I know - I should count my blessings. And I do. I really do. I have my beautiful children, we are all healthy and smart, and things really could be a lot, lot worse. I know they are for so many people in this country right now. I know that.

I'll make a new home somewhere else. And it will be good. I'll pant tomatoes again. I'll plant bulbs and sunflowers, make birthday cakes and Christmas cookies...
..and who knows...maybe I'll even find a boyfriend.