Saturday, November 7, 2009

Virginity....the first attempt to lose it.

Well, I have to thank FaceBook. I just found the guy I lost my virginity to, after having lost him for 10 years. Maybe longer. It's so good to know he's alive. I love him. I always will, and I'm inspired to write these 2 stories down. I think they're good ones.
When I was 14 years old, my grandmother allowed me to research and find a boarding school of my choice "with a good acting dept." So, always the good student (and DESPERATE to get out of TX) - I went to the downtown Dallas Library and found the 2 schools in the country with EXCELLENT acting depts. The one one I chose and went to was and is called Interlochen Arts Academy. And it was an AMAZING place.
Interlochen is aptly named because it is snuggled in between many lakes in upstate Michigan, just North of Traverse City, the cherry capitol of the world.It looked like a postcard to me, coming from Texas. Especially coming back from Christmas break, when everything was covered with pure white snow, all the way to the roofs of the very few houses and buildings. Christmas trees and frozen lakes everywhere, and much of the school was comprised of little log cabins scattered throughout the forrest. They were super tiny (many of them) because they were used in the summer for practice cabins during the much larger summer camp portion of the year.And because of their size, I always felt like I was in Christmas Village or something...I could imagine lots of little Elves making toys and candy in those cabins. In the winter there were only about 400 students trapped up in this pine-scented winter wonderland - all of us there to make art of one kind or another.
The biggest group of students were there for music. Mostly classical, but some jazz as well.We spent our weekends going to symphonies,or poetry readings, or plays, or art exhibitions. It was SOOO stimulating. It seemed like my mind and heart were continuously being challenged and rewarded and broken and then uplifted for the entire 2 years that I was there. And it was SO liberating compared to Texas!
I will never forget the first Halloween at Interlochen. Everyone came to the dining room in costume as a first stop to the evening, and I think my little repressed southern jaw must have dropped to the floor when I saw 1: the lesbian couple who came as an abortion, and 2: Tom Suds, (the cutest gay guy ever) dressed as a playboy bunny. High heels, lipstick, false eyelashes and everything! I know it doesn't seem like a big deal now at ALL - but for ME - back then, from TEXAS...it was AWESOME.
So that was my world the last 2 years of high school.I lived in a magical place that not many people get to experience.I was surrounded by mad talent of all kinds....and although I had some wicked crushes and lovely puppy love, I wasn't ready to really think about sex until the end of my senior year.
Now, I might muddle the time line a little here - but that's not important. What's important is that I went to a jazz concert in the last semester of high school and suddenly became aware of Jeff Forrester.He played the Sax. Oh MY WONDERFUL,WONDERFUL GOD.He was AMAZING - on the sax. I don't remember how I actually came to talk to him, he was really shy, and so was I - with him, anyway - but I will never forget him playing Coltraine and feeling like I was melting from the inside out as I listened to him.He was cute, too. In a wierd, quiet, akward kind of a way. He had really pretty red hair, pale skin, a few freckles, a crooked, infectious smile, and the warmest brown eyes maybe in the whole world. His eyes were so deep and so sincere I wanted to fall right into them and never come out.
So...some how..we started hanging out. Taking long walks - talking about all kinds of things, and - you know - making out in the forrest. That's pretty much what you did. Then I started sneaking him into my room...and he was the oddest guy! It makes me laugh thinking about it now. He became fast friends with my suite-mates, and pretty soon my room-mate, Maura, was shaving his legs, and doing all kinds of silly crap with him. He just wanted to know how it felt to be a girl. She was a doll, she was really good about going over to Hil's room so we could have privacy, and our making out got more and more intense. There was a LOT of giggling involved.I'm just remembering now, that Jeff was the first guy I ever took a shower with. I can't believe he talked me into it - I was so self loathing of my body (I wish I could do THAT over). He was so sweet, though - and I felt so safe with him.He left me a note. It said something like .."come join me - the water's fine!" ...and I did. And it didn't hurt a bit.
After weeks of walks, talks, laughing our heads off and driving each other crazy with most of our clothes on, I'm pretty sure it was my idea to take the plunge.I already loved him, and I knew it would be ok between us afterwards no matter what, so I pitched him. I pitched my suite-mates, too. They were very encouraging. And Jeff was game, so we made a plan.
Maura and Hilary helped me figure out exactly what music I should have playing, Maura made arrangements to sleep somewhere else that night (maybe just in Hil's - I don't remember) - Hilary gave me a couple of candles, and we made a group effort to sneak Jeff in after lights out. It was very exciting.
I was so nervous, but it was so much fun. It really felt like an adventure. I think the albums (yup - ALBUMS - I'm pretty old) started at about midnight, and it took us at least 3 full albums to get all of our clothes off. Every article was like a sacred offering to the Gods of love and sex. And he was so slow and gentle and teasing. It was amazing. And only the second time (after the shower) I had been naked with him. With anyone. I was shocked at how pretty and sexy he made me feel. I was shocked at how really awesome his body was under his weird clothes and how incredible he smelled and tasted. It was all going so well...
And then.....the moment of truth arrived, and Jeff was....well...he wasn't hard.
I was crushed. I think I pretty quickly started asking if it was me - if I wasn't sexy and all that stuff - and he started laughing. I didn't know what to make of it! He was laughing and giggling so uncontrollably he couldn't speak. His whole body was shaking he was laughing so hard. I might have started crying a little bit.He just couldn't stop laughing. Finally he choked out - "It's not you. It's not you" and kind of tried to hold me or hug me, but he was still laughing so hard it was a really akward hug - or hold - or whatever.
At LONG last Jeff quit laughing and said (very out of breath) .."Jennifer. I've had a hard on since , like 11:00.I'm just exhausted, that's all. It just took so long..."
I didn't know whether to believe him or not. I squirmed a little bit away, and looked around for a shirt or something, feeling suddenly vulnerable. That's when I noticed the first rays of sun creeping in through my makeshift, hippie curtains. I looked back at Jeff. His face was extremely reassuring. Then I started to laugh.
We laughed so hard we both started crying. We were laughing so hard and going over the whole night play by play - which made us laugh even more. Pretty soon Maura and Hilary crept in to see how it went. I remember them both standing there in their pj's just shaking their heads - looking at us like we were a couple of insane people.
The night reminded me of a scene in a Woody Allen movie. If he'd ever written about teenagers.
And that was my first attempt.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

down the rabbit hole

Maggie felt like a 13 year old. She was nervous and akward and practically giddy.As she got ready to hang out with Michael for the first time, she felt like she was on about 3 different kinds of drugs, even though she was stone, cold sober.
She thought about pouring herself a drink at least 5 different times as she threw different clothes around - off and on - onto the bed, onto the floor. By the time she made it out the door, her room looked as if it had been hit by a clothes bomb.
"No..", she thought. "No drinks, no nothing. I can't tell if i feel like i'm coming or going. Why the HELL do i feel like this? It's so stupid. i barely know this guy"
She finally made it out the door and into her crappy little car. Her crappy little car that she LOVED. Because it worked. all the time. and it barely used any gas. It was a great little car.
Anyway...she was thinking about her brief meetings with Michael as she navigated her way through the Hollywood Hills and down Sunset into Silverlake. They had met almost a year ago. He came back to her house after one of the many shows. He came with a little posse. A super famous pop star and a couple of other guys she assumed were in the music business in some way. She had no idea what Michael did. Nor did she care. All she knew was that her house was filled up with this great energy from these guys - and they were all making her feel really great at a time when she needed it. She was going out with this younger bass player at the time who had a way of making her feel insecure. There was something about the bass player that she didn't trust - but he always talked her out of her suspicions. And he was super jealous. So when these gorgeous black guys all swarmed around her in her kitchen, showering her with compliments - BJ (bass man) started to sulk.
Michael, in particular, was paying a LOT of attention to her. She tried to be a gracious host without setting BJ off, found a bench to sit on that was a little outside of the circle that was always made on her sun-porch. She was feeling really good about the Thai food she's had the foresight to pick up on her way home. Palms (Thai restaraunt) was right down the street, and it was REALLY good. It felt good to hear everyone's appreciation for some awesome food after all the booze that had been consumed. Maggie loved to feed people good food.
As she sat a little on the side line, observing this happy little party, she noticed that the pop star had made himself super comfy by falling asleep on her couch just inside the TV room. That made her feel good, too. She liked having that kind of a house. Where everyone feels cozy ,and safe, and welcome. BJ was ignoring her for the moment, which was fine, because at least he wasn't acting like a jerk, or super jealous. And then...Michael found her.
He sat next to Maggie on the stone bench in the darkest part of the patio, under the bouganville. He sat RIGHT next to her. Ass to ass. Just thinking about it almost a year later in her car was making her crazy. The instant energy that seemed to penetrate her body like kryptonite to Superman. He had put his hand on the small of her back, said a few words that she couldn't even hear because she was being zapped from the inside out with his kryptonite energy, and then asked her if she wanted to take a walk up in the back yard. She couldn't remember what she had said - but she did notice BJ looking for her, and could see him getting nuts about Michael sitting so close to her - all she could remember was that she had to get away from that intense energy and FAST. So she snuck off to bed without saying goodnight to anyone. Her bedroom was right by the sun-porch and the aforementioned patio...so she lay there listening to the sounds of the little gathering, not sleeping, not able to take her mind off Michael.

Funny how the world works. Almost a year later, there she was, driving to meet up with him at that same pop star's house. A year of heart ache later. A year of betrayal later. A year of confusion later.And she was so moved just by the memory of him, just by the thought of him, that she missed her turn and got hopelessly lost.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Mr. Wrong

As I said, Mr. Wrong looked wrong from the very beginning. I tried to look at the whole band from an objective point of view - from up in the crow's nest with my sister.
I'll lay them out out for you, one by one - but I'm changing names in case it gets me into trouble. Later on, if i figure out it won't get me into trouble - I'd love to spill all the names. That would be fun!
so, here we go : Let's start with the front men. Dark,short haired guitar player, we'll call him Posh, because he poses a lot - like Posh Spice. And, like Mrs. Beckham, he seems to know how good looking he is. He's usually on the left of the stage. Fun to watch, but after you've seen the show a few times, you can check out on Posh, because he just does the same 4 or 5 poses/faces over and over again. This is the guy my sister thought was the cutest of all.Unfortunately for her,so did a few hotty mc hot-hot's. Posh was well occupied with hot babes that were not tied down to a coffee shop the entire time. It was cute.He was nice to them.
Then there is......drum roll please...the LEAD SINGER. hard to come up with a nickname for this one - because he almost feels like family at this point, but I'm going to go with Astro. Astro because to me he looks like a giant Japanese anime super hero. He's super tall, with this cute baby face and black hair that looks futuristic no matter how the wind blows it or how it lands on his face.He doesn't have long hair - just these sort of slashes of hair that move somehow..act as if they had a mind of their own. You can almost see the slash of hair from the back move along his neck as if it were a snake. Then it's really short on the sides, and BLACK, with another dramatic slash of hair in the front that i have seen do crazy things with my own 2 eyes. His girlfriend at the time gets credit for that hair. If you met her, you wouldn't believe she could make crazy hair magic like that - but it's true. The only reason you wouldn't believe it is because she is so breathtakingly beautiful herself. The 2 of them were like 2 overly sexy comic book heroes....maybe I'll try to draw them so you can see for yourself. She's like those comic book babes with tons of flying wavy dark hair and CURVES, man! Tiny waist and just beautifully designed by God or nature to whip heads and make men salivate.
But I digress. Back to Astro. This comic book God comes across just that way on stage - only not really a God, because he immediately makes everyone in the audience feel like they are his brother, sister or best friend. And his playful boyish energy is like the swine flue, it's so contagious. Within moments he has any audience smiling, laughing, feeling like they are in a special moment surrounded by other people who get it, within 2 minutes he has everyone moving, and by the end of the show , the entire audience is not only sweating and dancing and jumping up like 8 year olds on happy drugs - everyone in that place wants to move in with him. Seriously. Go see a show - and then tell me I'm wrong.
Off stage, he is still warm and full of good energy. But he is not performing offstage. He reminds me a little of Bill Clinton. People of all ages,sizes,and gender want to shake his hand, talk to him,get his autograph. And they leave feeling that he is 100% real.
As for the right side of the stage....ah. I've known this one the longest. I'm calling him Jesus because of his hair. He has Jesus hair. Beautiful, dark Jesus hair that he throws around onstage like a real rock star of the 70's. And of course it wouldn't BE Jesus hair without the full beard and mustache. Jesus is not super tall, and next to Astro, he looks even smaller. But he is a drop dead beautiful man. Perfectly proportioned, smoky,sexy eyes....and while Astro the giant anime boy is making best friends with the whole crowd, Jesus is seducing them using his guitar as some kind of amazing sex toy that i don't even understand. Let me just mention that he has full understanding and excellent execution of "stage foreplay". (I just made that up - good, hu?)
Jesus starts out slow and teasing, letting his energy ebb and flow in perfect sync with Astro and Posh. In my book, it's hard to keep your eyes off Astro and Jesus the whole time. Astro is making it into a party and Jesus leaves you feeling liked you've been on a great big pleasure ride - so that by the time he's on the floor at the end of the show fucking his guitar right in front of you, you feel like you ARE the guitar, and it's REALLY satisfying.
Jesus, as I mentioned, is the one I know longest of all these guys. I wouldn't say I know him the best, just the longest. My son used to go out with his sister, so I'd see him in passing, mostly. In and out of doors. We always had to be quiet in his father's house.And he's a little shy. I am happy to report to you that of all these young rock stars - Jesus is the one who has been in a committed relationship this whole time and has been totally faithful to his girl. (except for fucking his guitar in front of the whole world) Jesus is a good, sweet guy. Another reason I'm calling him Jesus - even though I know he'll HATE it if he ever reads this! ...sorry, Jesus.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Mr. Wrong

Mr. Wrong looked wrong to me from the beginning. My sister was scoping out the guys from the band to see if any of them were cute. This is in Austin - a year and change ago. South by South West..we were throwing a little 3 day party with bands and beer to open her new coffee shop. I had booked a couple of bands from LA...and we were scoping out the cool band that was about to be signed by Universal/Motown from up in her second story area - felt like the crows nest of a ship. We had a good view of all of them as they bustled around unloading their equipment.
"The died blonde guy is cute.." my sister said, "and the guy with the short black hair. He's really cute. You know me. I like clean cut looking guys. Do they have girlfriends?"
"ummm.." i replied.."the one with the short dark hair I think does. Back in LA. But I'm not sure, they may be broken up. The died blonde is free and clear."
"Hmmmm..." my cute little sister replied..."VERRY interesting..."
A short time later I had the opportunity to let blondie (Mr. Wrong) know with probably (knowing me) a not too subtle hint that my little sister might be interested in him.
Mr. Wrong proceeded to waste no time at ALL in trying to woo my baby sister by following her around like a homeless puppy, asking her if she needed any help, helping her with anything she needed. My brilliant sister put him right to work, of course. Lifting things, carrying things, putting away stuff that had to go on high shelves (he was and is tall)...it was pretty funny to watch.
But as I watched him help her out with such ....what IS the word? almost desperation, really....I started to think he was kind of cute. Despite the horrible fried blonde hair.