The Matisse has finally arrived!

I have spent the day....WAITING.

Finally, D and Mom came back to the house to have a little chat and catch up on the details of my life.
D was in a merry mood, having lunched with my sister at one of his favorite French bistros, Epicerie. He brought back a macaroon for us, which was quite delicious - even to my exacting standards.

They spoke of friends, and recalled a ghastly seafood casserole they'd both been invited to dine upon in the recent past. "The SMELL!", D exclaimed, "The SMELL of that thing - the whole house just STUNK!"
The two of them bent over in laughter at the memory of the horrid meal.

Then, D was trying to explain to me that I looked a bit too much like Rebecca De Mornay in 'The Hand that Rocked the Cradle' to realistically think I'd ever get a position as a nanny. I thanked him.
(I never get tired of being comapred to her!)
"Why do you keep glancing at the door?" D asked me.
"She's waiting for UPS." Mom said. "For her painting."
"It's not a painting. It's a litho." I asserted. "An original litho. I've been waiting here all day."

And I had been.
Just like Scarlett O'Hara, I am reduced to selling off my treasures for neccecities. It's not the first time, either. I had to sell a beautiful ring a long time ago in London so that I could buy diapers. I don't mind. Lots of things are more important than owning a Matisse right now.

"I told her she should wear her glasses when she interviews to be a nanny..." my Mother went back to.
"Well, can we open it up and see it when it arrives?" D asked.
"I've tried that, Mom. Doesn't seem to help." I looked at D, thinking. "Well, I guess so. I have to open it to have it appraised anyway.."
Just then my Mother gave a little gasp. I looked out the window and saw the man in brown shorts. I let out a squeal right at about the same time the dogs across the way started barking at the poor man like crazy. "It's HERE!" I practically shouted, jumping up and running to the door. I flung it open to see the man gaurding himself against a ferocios Chihuahua with my box. The bigger dog was barking loudly at him, but keeping a civilized distance. As soon as the man was able to turn around and hand me the big package, D was at my side exclaiming "Oh your Picasso has arrived!"
"It's a Matisse, D."
And as soon as the door was closed D confided "I didn't think he would know who Matisse WAS!"
"Oh, so you were showing off for the UPS guy?"
"Well.."

The three of us wielded box cutters and sissors and got the thing out, styrofoam peanuts flying everywhere. D set it on the couch with a flourish and we all stood back and looked at the delicate face of a Matisse girl framed in gold. A few simple strokes were all he needed to create a face with personality and movement and expression. I had chosen this very simple face because it reminded me of the Matisse drawings and cut outs that seemed to most inspire my mother in her paintings. My mother loves Matisse so much that I took her to New York one time specifically to see a huge Matisse exhibit that had come to The Museum of Modern Art from Paris. We stood in line with people from all over the world to see his work. And we met  Woody Allen on that trip, after seeing his jazz band play. It was one of the best trips of my life. That's probably why I bought the litho in the first place.

We all looked the thing over for a moment before D said (in his most lordly voice) "The Matisse has FINALLY arrived!"

Making Rain and Crayon Art

Well, this may indeed be a stalling tactic.

For one very important reason, I feel compelled to write a story that is very hard for me...and I'm gearing up, but not quite ready.

So, instead, I'll tell you about today.
Today, I spent with my little sister, Liat. We had breakfast, talked, then went for mani-pedis. Then we went to the Bead Shop and spent a ridiculous amount of time looking at and sifting through all kinds of beads and sparkly things. There were bins of "bead soup". That's what the shop was calling big bowls of mixed up beads for a lesser price. These bowls of sparkling, shiny beads made me feel just like a kid. I wanted to dive my hands into the bowls and lift them up full of sparkling beads and gem-like things. I wanted to don a pirate hat and Puss in Boot's boots and steal all the treasure, write a play and perform it on the high seas! Something about that place made me feel happy and free. The idea that I could spend a few dollars and come out with everything I needed to make beautiful jewelry was empowering.

Then, I came back to my Mom's house and made curry and salad. The smell of exotic spices began to fill the small house. As the curry simmered away, making me think of far away places and adventures yet to come, I took my drink outside to the balcony for some fresh air. It was getting warm and muggy in the house.

I sat outside looking at the sky. Thinking. Smiling.
The sky was pregnant with dark clouds, like so many days before it - promising rain, but not delivering. Or delivering just a stingy, muggy, drizzle. Texas has been in a six year drought, the lake is FORTY FEET low. We needed RAIN.
I held my drink up to the sky and challenged it.
"I want RAIN!" I demanded. "Nothing less than a STORM!!! I want it to rain down like crazy - like diamonds or cash in a Snoop Dog music video!!! I want it to POUR!!!"

My mother came out with a bowl of rice and curry to join me.
"This is GOOD!" she said. "Delicious! And it's so nice out here..."

The wind had JUST started to kick up and a cool breeze cooled our foreheads. It was delicious. I smiled all the way through my body and let it sweep over and into me - saffron, the breeze, and the light drizzle that had just started. Then, just as my mother shifted and got comfortable, making some "Mmmm..." sounds, the rain started for real.
"Oh! " she said, "It's really raining! We'd better get inside!"

As we hustled inside, lightning cracked in the near distance and thunder rumbled. Mom's dog, Dorothy, tried to hide under the bed. "It's happening.." I thought. "THIS is more like it."
Then, before my mother had time to get in the car and pick my sister up from the coffee shop down the street, the sky let LOOSE. It was raining sideways buckets and cracking lightning, roaring thunder. We had to drive Liat to an appointment in flash flood conditions. My brother texted "DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE. Massive FLOODING!"
I texted back, "TOO LATE!"

Later tonight, when we were all safely home and relatively dry, my Mom brought out a special crayon.
"Look what I found at school today." she said. (she's a preschool teacher) "It's a PRANG!"
Apparently Prang crayons are a brand of crayons long gone that are superior in pigment and over-all quality.
"Let me see that thing.." I said. (I had never heard of these crayons)
I started drawing on some paper right away.
"You know, it IS better." I said. "Smoother. And a GREAT color!"
Then, my Mom got all excited and started bringing out more crayons and paper. "Try this!" she said with excitement.

So I did.

The thing is, is that I can make all kinds of things. It's easy for me. I can make some pretty good crayon art, or costumes, or scenery - I can direct a play, I can sing, I can make a damn good curry (Thai, Indian, Balinese - you name it!).....I can throw a party on the smallest or largest scale with my hands tied behind my back and blindfolded. Once upon a time, I won awards - cash money even - for my poetry (although I fear that skill is lost)....I can make a child feel safe, shake a perfect martini or make a wedding cake.

 I MAY even be able to make it rain.

But REALLY... how do I put these skill sets on a resume?
Let me know ifyou have any ideas.

Rich or Poor...?

Last night,while I was busy NOT sleeping, something occurred to me.
A light bulb moment.
All of a sudden, I thought "Only a 3 months ago, I had tons of cash..."
Then I kept thinking.
I assessed my present state.
"Mmmmmm...." I thought. "I am cozy and happy and warm and overflowing with....."

OK. The thing is - I spent all of this time in Portland, with tons of cash in the bank, in a beautiful, big house, anything MONEY could buy - feeling like a beggar.

That's what I realized last night.
I thought back to the last time I had loads of money, and instantly remebered what a beggar I felt like there and then.
In Portland, I would go into a store and buy something I didn't need or really even want, just so someone would talk to me. Really. That's how bad it was, and if you've been reading my blog, you know it already.
Well, the interesting thing that sort of hit me in the head last night, was that I'm going to sleep every night in a house that I do not own and am not even paying for, and I feel like the richest lady in the kingdom. Here, around family, friends, and even new people that seem to have dropped out of the sky right into my lap - I go to sleep every night feeling loaded UP with love. Stinking RICH with it. I have soooo much love - I am giving it away by the bucket full!

I went into a gas station the other day here and I had to fish out change to pay for my gas. (that's how cash poor I am!)
"Sorry! " I said to the guy behind the counter, smiling and pouring my excess of love and hapiness all over his little store as nickels and dimes spilled out onto the counter.
He looked at me a little confused. The juxtaposition of coins versus the overflowing abundance of joy that was pouring out of my happy face was clearly confusing him.
"Well, that'll only get you about 2 gallons, Ma'am." he said, looking scared as a nervous puppy. (I think he thought that that information would burst my bubble)
I laughed at his uncertainty. "I guess that'll get me home." I said to him, beaming. I was SO full of love and happiness, it would be a CRIME not to own it and share it. "Thanks!" I said, smiling ear to ear - sincerely meaning it.
"Well.... you have a real nice day, now, Ma'am." the man said as he timidly picked up a little of the happiness that I had splashed all over his love-less establishment. "A REAL nice day.."
"It's a GORGEOUS day!" I replied with abandon - tossing my blonde hair and kicking my heel up. I MEANT it. And the subtext - MY subtext - was -" It's GORGEOUS AND IT'S OURS FOR THE TAKING!!!!! YOURS TOO, BUDDY!!!!!"

So. The question staring me in the face was : "Would you rather have plenty of money in the bank and be lonely and loveless (and FEEL like a beggar), or have NO money in the bank, but FEEL rich as a king because of the love that was flooding into and over you?"

The answer for me is clear and simple.

Since I have been here, I have had love given to me by my sister, my brother, my mother, my cousin, her family, friends, new people - it's just been POURING on. I am so grateful I can hardly express it.
Even my baby sister - who is just barely back and a bit fragile - is giving me her love. I am the weathiest human in Texas if love is the standard. I really am. I have so much - if you need some - open your hands and let me pour it on - because I have love to spare. I have happiness in ABUNDANCE! I have a HUGE, motherload of JOY!!!! I really do, just ask me if you need some - because I share everything I have.
How do you want it? If you want money, you can ask for a check or a money order or cash or gold bars or stocks, bonds, etc. - and LOVE? Just ask me. You can have it in back rubs or songs or hugs or smiles or poetry or cake - you just let me know. I am stinking RICH with love. I have plenty to share.

And this question that appeared to me last night - to feel like a beggar with money in the bank, or like a king with none - that was easy for me to answer.
But what about you?
What is YOUR answer?
I would really like to know.

Fast and faster.

So sorry I haven't been able to write lately! Everything's been going so FAST! And I mean EVERYTHING!
Here are some examples :

The other week I woke up with 2 pimples on my face. By 6 pm that evening, they were gone.

A couple of weeks ago, I met a man at my cousin's theatre and he pursued me AGGRESSIVELY for 4 days and nights. Non-stop texting, phoning, etc. On the fifth day I agreed to meet him for lunch. We had lunch, he followed me to my next appointment (I was meeting a friend for happy hour), then he called me the next morning to tell me he didn't want to date me because I was a "strong willed person". (I figured it was really because I let it out during lunch that I have 4 children)  - I didn't want to go out with him in the FIRST PLACE!!! But he managed to court, convince and dump me in less than a week! Now that's FAST!

 Also - I have managed to go from culinary school to line cook/prep cook in less than a month at one of my favorite restaurants. I have been trained in a language that I do not speak in less than 3 weeks. I think that's BLOODY FAST!!!!

 I have gone from deep pockets to empty ones in record time - less than a year ago I was flying loads of people to Paris, putting them up in a 4 star hotel and taking everyone out for - well, everything!

A year ago I had a beautiful house that had been mine for twenty years, now I'm homeless.

BUT....everything's been going SOOOO fast - who's to say that I won't have a million dollars in the bank a year from now?
I've lost ten pounds in two weeks and gotten some fab, fun headshots done for free over the course of a week - so as far as I'm concerned - ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE!

Bring it on, Life. I've burned all of my fingers and they healed in a day. I'm doing my sit ups, getting Spanish books at the library and, quite frankly, I'm ready for anything. Bring it on - and DON'T spare your fast balls!

The New Normal, or What Kari Said..

I am sipping on a cup of excellent Costa Rican coffee, with just a touch of almond milk and brown sugar. My breakfast is a bowl of greek yogurt piled high with fresh blueberries and strawberries. I am sitting at a modern, glass dining table in a sun drenched room - looking out at a city view past a sea of tree tops, and a perfect chalk blue sky with only a few cotton candy clouds hanging above it all.

When I wake up in the morning, the view outside my bedroom window is of a castle. Ok, maybe not a CASTLE - but definitely an Italian chateau. ( It looks like a beautiful Four Seasons Hotel was accidentally air lifted and dropped in from Tuscany!) Most mornings there will be a deer right outside that window. Two feet away. If you had told me this would be my daily routine a few weeks ago, I would have laughed at you in disbelief. With all of the horrible things going on in the world, how is it that I am so lucky?

Right before Christmas, I went to visit my brother's X-wife, Kari. I still love her, and my children still call her 'Aunt Kari'. We had a little time to talk about life things while our lads were entertaining each other. Everything seemed to be going as well as could be in her world. Her new marraige, her son, her new house. Everything seemed so right on. And Kari, herself, was more beautiful than ever. Happiness and confidence poured out of her lovely face.
Then the conversation turned to me.

I had a whole routine down to explain my erratic moves of the last year. I told her about all of our dear friend, Mark's, family and friends of family dying in the last few years BEFORE they got to take their dream cruise or dream trip. In some dramatic instances, it seemed they dropped dead two days  before the cruise. Mark's family couldn't be more 'safe'. They were mid-west folks who played by the rules their whole lives. Two weeks vacation a year - ONLY two weeks (the rest of the first world countries think we are mad regarding this)...and then, like some cruel joke - DEAD - BEFORE they could enjoy their long awaited retirement.

"So, you see, Kari", I told her, "I was just not going to fall for that trick. I just decided to do it in reverse. Have my fun dream trips NOW, when I can and I'm super healthy and young enough to still get into some trouble, and then I won't mind if I work until the day I die. I'll just be some little old lady in a corner shop. You know, with a little apartment. I'll toddle on down to the shop with my lunch in a paper bag and sell things to nice people all day. I think that sounds pretty good."
"Oh, I see." she said."YOU are going to magically turn into a little old lady that works in a shop some day?"
"Yes! And I won't have any regrets - you see?"
"And when do you imagine this happening?" she asked with a smile in her eyes.
"Oh...you know..pretty soon. In my fifties, I guess."
"So, a few years from now - some time in your fifties - you're going to change into a completely different person?"
She said this looking right into me. She was certainly laughing at me inside.
"Why not? I can be a little old lady at a shop! You don't think so? What's the matter with that?"
"Nothing. I just have a hard time believing that you're going to turn into a completely different person than the one I know - the person that is standing right in front of me now. That's all."

I just stood there in disbelief. I must have had a very stupid look on my face, because then Kari laughed out loud.
"Oh, Jennifer! " she laughed, giving me a little hug, "Think about who you ARE. You're the one who is always travelling around the world - it wasn't just this year - going on crazy adventures...you're whole life is a crazy adventure. I'm just not sure you're going to be able to change into another person altogether."

I was stunned. My bubble popped. Maybe she was right. I thought about this for a few moments as she scooped up her little blonde boy, kissed him on the head and redirected his play away from an electrical cord that he was fascinated with.
"Cookie?" she asked sweetly, as she offered forth a chocolately bit of decadence.
"OK", I said in slow motion, trying to assess how I felt about this severe wrench in my life plan.
"So, are you saying..." I slowly forced out while waving the cookie in the air, ".. that I will NEVER be an old lady in a shop?"
Kari just smiled and shrugged.
"Are you saying that I'm just going to keep ON this way? "
"Well, you are YOU."
" Do you think I am going to become a sort of Aunty Mame kind of character? "
Kari just laughed and shook her head. "Well, more like that.." she said, amused.
"My goodnes, Kari. I never thought of it that way."

Now I'm here.
Only a few weeks later. Everything's been going so FAST. How did I end up so QUICKLY in what may arguably be the most beautiful spot in Texas? Despite the fact that I am now near penniless. (in cash anyway)

Just yesterday, my sister called me after a panic attack. The one thing she said comforted her was that she now knows that I am able to pack up and get out of any city in under a week.
Darn it! Maybe Kari's right. People that can pack up that fast, move, spend all their money, then land on their feet next door to a bloody castle might not EVER turn into little old shop ladies!

Oh well.
'Normal' is overrated in my book. Time for me to accept the new 'normal'. My normal. It's NORMAL for me to hit up 6 or 7 countries in a year. It feels just as 'NORMAL' for me to be so elegantly homeless now as it did to HAVE a home! I'll just have to kiss those dreams of NORMAL normal goodbye and be thankful for all the crazy good stuff that comes my way.

But that's all I can write for now. I have to plan an outfit for this weekend. I'm going on an excursion on an old fashioned steam train to the country with my little nephew, my brother and sister.
And one must ALWAYS dress appropriately for each and every adventure!

It's New Year's Eve tonight...

It's New Year's Eve tonight.
I confess, that as I write this, I'm still a little bit loopy from the ambien my brother gave me last night to help me sleep. I just can't DO that stuff - too hard to shake it off the next day. However, for now, I have a pleasantly goofy feeling all through my body. QUITE relaxed.

Tonight I'll bring the New Year in working. Which is just as well, and quite good, since I don't have a date anyway. It's how I hope the coming year will follow - lots of WORK!!!!
 I feel good about the year to come. Good about things in general. Lucky to have such great kids and such great family all around me.

But I DO have SERIOUS New Year's resolutions this year.
For the first time in a long time - I am DETERMINED to make some that are top priority and follow through like a maniac.
It's just no good anymore - this - this lollygagging about, this using only a tiny part of my potential. It simply WON'T do any longer. This year I will :

1. Stop Drinking. (either full stop or mostly)
2. Learn French. For REALS - like enough to have some simple conversations!
3. Learn to pay 3 songs on the piano.
4. improve my Spanish.
5. Do yoga. EVERY WEEK.
6. Walk around the lake at least once a week.
7. get a job (that goes without saying, really)
8. do theatre. (it's been FAR too long!)
9. sing. a LOT more.
10. write letters - actual ones, not e-mails.
11. take dance classes.
12. fall in love.

The only thing I see as a real challenge is the falling in love part. Kind of hard to MAKE that happen. But I'll write it down in a spasm of hope.
Check in with me next year, and see how I did.....

MAY YOU ALL HAVE THE MOST AMAZING, MEMORABLE , HAPPY 2013 !!!!!!

Christmas Eve, 2012

It is Christmas Eve.
As I am writing this, I am looking out over the hills to the sparkling lights of the city. It is so warm here.
So warm in so many ways. And I must be the most pampered and spoiled homeless person on this earth.

I have just come from church (yes, I went to my childhood church - quite odd - looked so much smaller!) and Christmas Eve dinner with my family. I am full of good food and good feelings. We are the lucky ones. Everyone is well and full of good cheer this year. Everyone is grateful. Perhaps a little bit because of the Sandy Hook shooting - it certainly puts things into perspective right before Christmas.

I have to confess, I couldn't sleep the other night  - so I turned the TV on looking for an old movie to calm my mind. 'Miracle on 34th Street' was on, and the first thing I thought of was how horrible it would be to see these sweet, family Christmas movies if your child had been shot dead at school just a week ago.

Tomorrow I will give gifts to my family that I have accumulated from all over the world. Exotic things. I have dragged them with me on planes, trains and automobiles in an attempt to share a piece of my adventures. I look forward to giving my little nieces the headdresses from Bali - golden tiaras studded with jewels (not real ones, of course),  saffron tea to my mother, cashmere scarfs from Scotland for my nephews, jewelry from South Africa for my sisters and the impish mask of happiness for my grown up cousin who runs a theatre. As I wrapped all of the trinkets and treasures - the silks, the woolen things, the wooden carvings, the beaded art, etc - I thought of where and how I got them. All of the different looking money used over the last many months, the adventures associated with each and every item.

And as I enjoy the greatest gift of seeing my little cousins faces light up, or a smile from one of my sisters, I will not take a single moment of it for granted.
I will treasure each second of tomorrow's Christmas, and feel deeply how lucky I am. How lucky we are. We had a close call in our family - very recently - but we've made it through. So far.

We are here. We are safe, well fed, healthy and loved.
We have each other.
And after a year of great travels and adventures and culinary school, I feel like I am about to embark on the very greatest adventure of all.
I don't know what it is exactly.
I just know that's how it feels.