here and now.

The thing is...sometimes things come back. Like my mother. I hadn't seen her in soooo long - I wouldn't have recognized her if i had passed her on the street. That's the truth. And she came back. Just for a little while. But she did resurface.

Now someone has come back to me that I don't know how to feel about - well - that's not accurate. I can't help how I feel about this one. I just can't help it. Someone from my past. Someone who knows me. I guess I mean - someone I don't know what to THINK about or DO about.

We always want to DO something about whatever, don't we?

There IS no advice. there IS nothing to DO. Nothing to be done.
With all of the crushes, and the excitement, and the sparkle-shiny and distractions of Hollywood - of a VERY full life - I have forgotten this. I forgot what this IS. What it feels like. How important it is. I don't know what I am going to DO with these feelings.

In a way, I wish that the full moon would come and go, and I'd be over it. Or i'd get my period and have one of those "OOOOHHHH! it's just hormones!" revelations.....but in another way - I don't want to let go. Whether my heart is being ripped out of my chest or injected with mind-blowing happiness.....I don't know. It all feels like a life raft. It all makes me feel like I'm fully alive again, and if it goes away - what really is the point?

The human heart is such a mystery. i wonder if my mother felt this way when she ran off with the preacher.

I don't think so.
I'm sure she had lots of really strong feelings - but she didn't know this one. She did not.

It's raining here, now. Raining in sunny southern California. The golden State. We will be voting in new people here very shortly. the races are neck and neck. I hate to think what this beautiful state will become if Whitman wins. Not sure I'll be able to stay.

I just don't know.
I just really don't know about anything right now.