Blood Mom comes a callin'

I was pretty pleased with myself to be in a real Equity show at my ripe young age. No matter that it was in one of the smaller theatres in Dallas. No matter that it was 'Joseph and the Amazing technicolor Dreamcoat', and i was basically chorus - playing all kinds of little quick-change parts (including the ADORABLE baby camel), running around, switching out wigs and costumes, singing my brains out with a whole bunch of mostly gay guys. THAT was the fun part. They were all so sweet and fun. they were so NICE to me! and the leading lady - the narrator - was dating a famous football player. one of the Dallas Cowboys. He took it upon himself to be my body guard, and also decided that it would be fun to pick me up and carry me around as if i were a little rag doll at every opportunity. his girlfriend didn't mind at all. i think she felt like i was a cute puppy that was entertaining him when she needed to sign autographs or schmooze with people. he was a perfect gentleman, and i never felt like such a little china doll in my whole life.

my routine during that quarter in Dallas went like this. i woke up at 4:00 am, showered and high-tailed it to the bus that took me downtown where i started my sandwich making job at 5am. when that part of my day was over, i hopped on the bus and made it back to my Grandmother's place just in time to change my stinky shoes, sometimes catch a cat-nap, read the letter that had come from my biological mother, and then hop into my grandfather's old car (he had passed away by then) and get to the theatre in time for rehearsal, and later, to the show. from then, i either plowed through rehearsal (with this crazy lesbian hitting on me - and then being REALLY nasty to me for the rest of the run because i was clearly terrified of her)or plowed through the show, was "home" by midnight or 12:30, scarfed half of a huge container of ice cream, and passed out for about 3 hours, and then started it all again.

my grandmother would get SO upset with me for eating so much ice-cream. but i didn't want to wake her UP!!! and i was STARVING after the show. like most performers of any description - i didn't want to eat too much right before my marathon of running, dancing, quick changes and singing...and she never had any REAL food in the fridge - so what was i supposed to do?

i was a little lonely, but not too much. there really wasn't any time for that. and the show WAS so much fun. we got GREAT reviews - i was even mentioned - which of COURSE sent my grandmother and i over the moon! and all of her friends came to see it (they were subscription holders anyway, for the most part) and they cooed and sweet talked me and complimented my grandmother on what a talented grandchild she had. that show was a big old love-fest between me and all the old people or gay men in the whole city!

and at the end of the run, my blood mother showed up.

she gave me no warning. she came and watched the show from a back row. not that i would have recognized her.
as usual, there were many people waiting to tell me how much they loved it, or say hi after the show. and there she was...sort of waiting quietly off to the side.
she glided up to me after everyone else was gone. put her hand out in a delicate fashion.
"well, hello there.", she purred. "i'm Judy."

needless to say, i could have been blown over with feather.
there she was. the woman who gave birth to me in a convent in South Africa, then shortly afterwards, sold all of her rights to even SEE me away for $330. and never bothered to write or show up until now.

she fixed me with her eyes. a trick i would come to know very well. she pierced her gaze into me with a seductive intensity. it was like a Jedi mind trick. her subtextual message seemed to be "don't mind anyone or anything else. they are of NO consequence. I am the only thing important in this space and time. heed me in this, your very life is at stake."

she was intense. a little scary.
i took her hand, and it was thin and cold. she could see my fear.

Judy had piercing blue eyes, and she knew how to use them. she was like a snake charmer. she was still fairly beautiful, but her bottle-died blonde hair and tacky clothes gave me the impression that she had wandered off of a weird commune. or perhaps had just stepped off the boat from communist Russia.

i didn't know what to say or what to do. my instincts told me to run. but my curiosity and her Jedi stare got the better of me.
i stammered akwardly, "well...i didn't know you were coming....did you like the show?"

her lips curled into an ironic, half smile. ( i was so naive - i knew NOTHING of good or great theatre) "it was...boisterous." she practically snarled. the look she then threw around the theatre practically melted it. i could see her comparing this little Dallas theatre to the great ones she had been to in New York, London, even the Old Globe in San Diego. i had been to Broadway, too. i KNEW what this was. it was EASY for her to bring me down to the little worm i deserved to feel like. wasting my time with this stupid show in this stupid city with all of these old people who just wanted to be ENTERTAINED for 2 hours. her withering looks said it all....NOT WORTHY.
"Jennifer, honey." she purred in sympathy.. (where the hell was my Grandmother TONIGHT? when i NEEDED her???)..."it's pretty clear that you don't belong in a place like THIS." she said it like i was withering away in prison or something.
"well, " i stammered...searching for SOME redemtion.."i DID get my Equity card out of it"
her face was stone.
"i mean, i'm still in HIGH SCHOOL." i practically whimpered.
and then i saw her break into a half real smile for the first time. she really was something...else.
Judy took my hand in both of hers and looked at me warmly, her steel-blue eyes drinking in every curve of my face, piercing my eyes as if she were mining my soul. "oh, sweety. you sweet, dear girl. it's not YOUR fault. you are something special. and it's very, very clear. you just need the right OPPORTUNITIES. that's all." she smiled at me with her pretty, white teeth.
"and i think i might just be able to help with that."
i'm sure i just looked stunned.
"ok, sugar." she purred at me as she sort of stroked my hand. "well, this show sure was ENERGETIC, if nothing else. you must be tired. i'll call your Grandmother in the morning and we'll set something up. does that sound alright?"
i nodded yes, not knowing what the hell she was talking about. but i was entranced. she was the snake charmer, and i was the snake. i didn't know if she wanted to be my agent, or my mother, or a girlfriend, or WHAT.
i could barely drive back home that night, i was shaking so hard. if you had asked me how i felt that night - i wouldn't have known how to answer.

i got back to my Grandmother's place and got straight into bed. no ice cream raid tonight. i sobbed and tried to hold myself, wrapping both of my arms around my small frame as if to hold myself together - to keep my body in one piece, as my violent sobbing felt like it could pull me apart.