losing the guy i lost it to

After Jeff and I lay in his bed for a while, listening to Steve play the guitar - and me feeling spacey, euphoric and thinking I felt grown up all at the same time - we got dressed and snuck his sheets into the laundry downstairs.
Then Jeff had to go to his weekly karate class - or it may have been some other form of martial arts - but, we'll say karate for now.
His step-father drove, and of course i wanted to go with. At that moment i would have been happy to be super-glued to Jeff forever.

As we drove down the Pacific Coast highway (the famous #1), my body seemed to be be melting into the warm back seat of the car. The Ocean was sparkling like diamonds. The sea air smelled a little like Jeff's skin had - salty. Just a little bit. I leaned my head back and let my eyes close.
Then I couldn't help thinking about the week before - on that same drive.

The previous week, Jeff had found some other ride down to Santa Monica for his class, and I popped into the car with his step father to come pick him up.We were having a lovely conversation in the car, chit chatting about whatever it was, when, out of the blue - we were suddenly slowed to a stop by the traffic. A full stop.
"Bloody hell...what in the world?" Jeff's father remarked as we noticed people getting out of their vehicles and walking south on the narrow freeway. "Let me see what's going on", he said. "you stay in the car. I'll leave the keys just in case." and with that, he walked off in the same direction.
He returned shortly, shaking his head and laughing in disbelief. "You will never believe it.", he said. "It's the damndest thing!"
He got back into the car.."Look, if we don't start moving in less than 5 minutes or so - I'll send you up to have a look for yourself..."
And then, no sooner than he finished saying that than we saw people rushing back to their parked cars and getting in them.

The traffic started to move forward VERY slowly. Soon enough, I was able to see for myself what the trouble was. A HOUSE had slid down the hill from the Pacific Palisades and landed right on the south bound lane of the PCH.
I watched in awe and disbelief as we were directed passed the house in the one lane that had been cleared. There were firetrucks, flares, cones, bulldozers and loads of people at the scene - and the house was mostly in tact! It was AMAZING. Once again - I was NOT in Kansas any more!

Well, that had been the week before. The week that I was still a virgin. This week was amazing in a different way.

I waited in the little park outside the karate place for Jeff. It was just a little green square on a hill. I lay down on the grass, ignoring the crazy homeless man that moved to a spot a few feet away from me.I took inventory of how i felt. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I was stupid with happiness.

When Jeff got out off class, I was just waking up from a little doze. I blinked my eyes until he was in focus in his white uniform at the bottom of the hill. He was so cute.
I ran down the hill and threw my arms around his neck, and started kissing him all over. I kissed his cheeks, his eyes, his nose, his neck - I wanted to kiss every freckle on his whole body. I kissed his lips and his forehead.My heart was screaming "Thank you!" ...Thank you, thank you. thank you!

He had given me so much. He, and his family. This beautiful time. This amazing trip. This story that I would never lose. And I had nothing to give him back. Nothing. Nothing except kisses.

I looked right into his pretty eyes - that were so often turned away - and said it to him. "Thank you."
He ran his long hand over my hair. He looked at me with eyes that held a whole forest.He looked over my whole face - as if to remember it - then he kissed me,and held me close.

We made love a few more times over the next couple of days.Each time it hurt less. But we didn't have much time.

Jeff was getting on a plane for India. He was going to become a monk. Yep. That's right. About 3 days after I lost my virginity, my boyfriend had to go to India to become a celibate monk.

Jeff and his mother drove me to the Greyhound station the night before he had to leave.Packed me back off to Texas.

I felt like an emotional dam. I was trying so hard to be brave, but I am sure that all kinds of hurt was showing on my face - because I saw it reflected back at me in Jeff's mother's face. She looked so...empathetic, concerned - maybe just out right sorry for me.
It was horrible to look at her. To say goodbye. She was so pretty, and amazing. I was sure I would never meet anyone like her again.

Jeff's face, on the other hand, was stoic. His face read like - it was the end of a chapter. He was zenning out on me. He was already half way to India, I think.

I got on the bus without the floodgates bursting. It was not a goodbye without tears, but the hard knot in my throat that was getting harder by the second, seemed to be holding things back for the most part as I climbed into my seat and waved goodbye to them both out the window. I tried SO hard to hold it in until they couldn't see me.
The moment I thought they couldn't - the dam just broke. I sobbed my heart out.I cried so hard I probably looked like i was convulsing. I had no awareness of anyone around me for many, many miles. I couldn't stop crying. My throat wouldn't stop hurting.

Finally, when my violent sobs ebbed, I leaned my face against the cold glass of the bus window. Tears still streaming down from my swollen eyes as I plummeted into the blackness.

I wanted to stay in OZ. I never missed the gray, hot world I had come from. I didn't have an Auntie Em to worry about or be worried about me.

I didn't know then just how bad things would get that summer - or how crazy. But I did know enough to realize that I hadn't just lost my virginity.When I got on the bus to leave - I lost a way of being and feeling happy that I would never, ever be able to regain. Not completely. Because I was so innocent. Because I had never been hurt by a man yet.Because my trusting this family that I didn't know at all was so richly rewarded. Because these beautiful people, in this beautiful place took me into their world with no weirdness, no strings attached, no - well - with nothing but love and warmth and trust and humor.

I saw what things COULD be like. I lived it. And with Jeff.

There would never be another first time. Another Jeff. And it felt like I would never see any of them again.