the thing about trying to kill your heart....

Yea, yea ,yea. I know what you want. I know who you are, and i know what you want. And you know who you are, too. Don't even play with me, son.

But you will not get it. Not tonight. Perhaps not any time soon.

I'll tell you why. Because it hurts too much to go there.
I can't do it right now. I have an eye infection - and that hurts - and my ego is fragile and confused enough as it is. I feel like a MAN.
You see, I went to the doctor's for the eye infection, and for the not sleeping.So, on the one hand - I had to step on a scale - which is just like jumping into boiling oil, lately - and on the other hand - I went to the doctor's for the eye infection and the not sleeping.

I shall attempt to explain.Going to the doc's and having to face the reality of that scale is pretty horrible right now - let alone the REASON that the scale is so wonky...
Then, I have to TELL a med student that I've never met ....well, basically EVERYTHING! WHY I'm there - he looks at (yes, of course it's a cute, young guy - who's down at USC where the brother and mother of the guy I was just writing about are!)...and - ok - more truth here - I'm also going in for birth control pills.
Anyway, he looks at my swollen eye - I am wearing no makeup - and asks me about the eye, my sleep (or lack of), my sexual history, WHY am I not sleeping....all that stuff....seems to repeat my age like a hundred times, and I'm sitting on the edge of the thing thinking "this must be weird for such a young guy to ask a woman his mother's age about her sexual health and activity and all that stuff"...then he asks me about drugs.
"Do you drink? And if so, how often, how many?"
"Yes. I drink. A bit too much this last month. Maybe 3 or 4 times a week - 3or 4 cocktails or glasses of wine in an evening...I know. It's very bad.I think it will help me sleep, but it doesn't."
"And drugs...cocaine.." (what do I LOOK like??)
"No, no,no..nothing like that."
"What about marijuana?"
I must have looked a little guilty as I said "No. Nope.", because he looked at me the way a parent looks at a kid who is lying and they are bound to get the truth out of them.
I wasn't about to tell that cute 24 yr old that this woman his mother's age was having sex AND smoking the MJ......anyway - I haven't been doing that - hardly at all. It's just been making me think too much - and THAT is exactly what I'm trying to get away from!
Ahhh....the old days of mellow pot, that just made you hungry and horny and then put you to sleep! This new Cali shit is (MEDICAL, BTW) ..is just WAY too strong@!!!
I feel like one of 'The Doors' on this crazy shit. I was at the Doc's to get my hands on some xanax, for crying out loud! My modus has been to shut the old brain and heart down. Down and OUT. Frying pan right on the noggin. That's what i figure i need. LESS thinking, LESS feeling.

And the MJ just does the opposite.So....xanax for me.

This kid was pretty confusing, though. I could swear he was sort of flirting with me. But that was and is so unbelievable - I wrote it off as discomfort.
My doc, however - I always feel like he's flirting. WHY???? They don't get tips, or anything!!!??

My doc is this beautiful Indian man - who is married - I know because he wears a ring - who is probably a Saint. He always looks into my eyes, finds reasons to hold my hand or touch me, even if the visit doesn't require it...and he always asks me about my life when there is a waiting room full of people (which is always), and patiently listens to me blather on...

I don't know....maybe I'm imagining things - but he seems very warm and flirtatious. And this is SO flattering when you go in with a bunk eye and always looking your worst - and of course realizing that this guy sees EVERYTHING!

Why am I even writing about this?? Because I am trying to kill my heart. Not all of it. Just the part that gets suckered into buying men cars or taking them to France or believing they will leave their wife, or trusting that they will get off drugs or whatever. You know. That part.Miles and YEARS and miles away from Jeff in Malibu.

So. I went to get some xanax. Mission accomplished. I know exactly what to say. I learned it from my father. He has real panic attacks. Just specifically about bridges. He takes xanax about 30 minutes before he has to drive over a bridge - otherwise he has to stop, pull over and freak out for a while.

The thing about trying to kill your heart, is that just when you least suspect it, it will rise up, do it's job and fall for some sweet musician.

Gosh, I can't even tell you how hard I've been trying to kill this piece of my heart. I've been drinking, and following my sister's advice - which is basically - get super chunky and then men won't be interested and visa versa...
and it seemed to work for a while....

Then I went to Europe.