...can't sleep. I've been really sick and I need to. Been tossing and turning for hours. Maybe some 'Sleepy Time' tea will do the trick.
It's hot here now. Still and muggy. My Mom used to joke and say "It's the Vietgong". She's not far off.
I need to work at 10 am tomorrow, and I'm in the tortured vice-grip of my worried brain.
WHY did I ever think I wanted to fall in love again? WHY??????? You'd think I'd be done with that by now. Hurt enough, stomped on enough, taken advantage of enough, lied to enough.
But hope keeps rearing it's bastard little head inside of me. "Maybe this time it will be different, the romantic six year old inside of me whispers to the guarded, older me. She's SIX! WHY does she always WIN!!???
I have started to care about someone enough to feel vulnerable.
All he had to do tonight was to text me that he has a board meeting tomorrow evening from six to eight pm (my one sure night off of work) to send me into the depths of insecurity, suspicion, and (I'm not proud of it) revenge-filled plotting. Oh yes. That's all it took. And now, here I am - wide awake at 4 am confessing the depths of my paranoia to anyone who cares to read about it.
BOARD MEETING at SIX pm??? BOARD MEETING at SIX PM!!!???? Really!? DINNER meeting, maybe. Ex girlfriend that looks like a St. Pauli's girl flying into town, maybe. But, BOARD MEETING!!!???? Who has a BOARD MEETING at 6pm? 6 - 8 pm, to be precise. Prime dinner hours. I mean MAYBE if we were in Manhattan. But not here. The kitchens are all closed by10pm here.
I've been tossing around in this close, hot space thinking about how tomorrow will play out. I probably won't hear from him at all. But, IF, by some miracle he texts me and wants to see me after his "board meeting", I shall simply text back and say that I have scheduled a board meeting for 9 pm. If he can have one at 6, I don't see why 9 is any more ridiculous - at least the members of MY board will have already dined!
I do realize how silly I am being. But I can't help it. I've been trying to talk myself off the ledge for several hours now to no avail. The truth is....I've been really sick for the last few days. And I had to go into work sick last night and tonight. And the only thing dragging me through it was the anticipation of seeing this man again. Seeing what baby step forward we might take. Ot what we might learn about one another next. It's been really, really fun. And exciting. And I'm getting a little bit wrapped up in the idea of him. Or us.
And that makes me vulnerable.
It's hot here now. Still and muggy. My Mom used to joke and say "It's the Vietgong". She's not far off.
I need to work at 10 am tomorrow, and I'm in the tortured vice-grip of my worried brain.
WHY did I ever think I wanted to fall in love again? WHY??????? You'd think I'd be done with that by now. Hurt enough, stomped on enough, taken advantage of enough, lied to enough.
But hope keeps rearing it's bastard little head inside of me. "Maybe this time it will be different, the romantic six year old inside of me whispers to the guarded, older me. She's SIX! WHY does she always WIN!!???
I have started to care about someone enough to feel vulnerable.
All he had to do tonight was to text me that he has a board meeting tomorrow evening from six to eight pm (my one sure night off of work) to send me into the depths of insecurity, suspicion, and (I'm not proud of it) revenge-filled plotting. Oh yes. That's all it took. And now, here I am - wide awake at 4 am confessing the depths of my paranoia to anyone who cares to read about it.
BOARD MEETING at SIX pm??? BOARD MEETING at SIX PM!!!???? Really!? DINNER meeting, maybe. Ex girlfriend that looks like a St. Pauli's girl flying into town, maybe. But, BOARD MEETING!!!???? Who has a BOARD MEETING at 6pm? 6 - 8 pm, to be precise. Prime dinner hours. I mean MAYBE if we were in Manhattan. But not here. The kitchens are all closed by10pm here.
I've been tossing around in this close, hot space thinking about how tomorrow will play out. I probably won't hear from him at all. But, IF, by some miracle he texts me and wants to see me after his "board meeting", I shall simply text back and say that I have scheduled a board meeting for 9 pm. If he can have one at 6, I don't see why 9 is any more ridiculous - at least the members of MY board will have already dined!
I do realize how silly I am being. But I can't help it. I've been trying to talk myself off the ledge for several hours now to no avail. The truth is....I've been really sick for the last few days. And I had to go into work sick last night and tonight. And the only thing dragging me through it was the anticipation of seeing this man again. Seeing what baby step forward we might take. Ot what we might learn about one another next. It's been really, really fun. And exciting. And I'm getting a little bit wrapped up in the idea of him. Or us.
And that makes me vulnerable.
Board meetings DO happen at 6, sometimes. Also...if someone is making up an excuse or lie not to see you it could be they are having doubts. And they are entitled to their doubts. And also they are entitled to not keep you abreast of every single doubt. Some would say "before commitment happens," I would say "even after commitment happens." I don't know you---from what I can tell from your pictures & blog, you are gorgeous, smart, funny and interesting. Women like this make the mistake of thinking this automatically makes you a woman of high vaue to a man. No. A woman of high value to a man is a woman who MAKES HIS LIFE EASIER. This is why men often end up with doormats. I am reaching out to you from across the chasm, from the married world to the single world, and I'm here to tell you: it ain't that great. There are times when I miss my loneliest hours as a single gal with a guitar and a cat, hanging out on my Upper West Side Apartment alone on a Saturday night, because there was no one around to constantly make me feel like a disappointment or a burden. Kids are awesome but they bleed you dry. I think to expect to be able to be totally trusting of a man is like trusting a pitbull alone with a baby. Sure, you can train a pitbull to be great dog. But if you leave it alone with a newborn, there's a good chance there'll be an odd moment where he just might eat that baby's face. Same with men. You should NOT trust them. They do not deserve total vulnerability. But you must act AS IF (remember acting?) you trust them, and you must be vulnerable all the same. Because that's what love is. It's a conundrum. I once read a book "Why Men Lie"and of course you can apply this to women, too: they lie because the regime they feel they are under has impossible rules. If you want more honesty, you must relax the punishment for each infraction. You must create for them an environment of trust in that way. That's how men trust women---when they are sure that they won't be eviscerated and emasculated for the things that they do. I think the monogamy rules were made up by women. And it puts US at a disadvantage too---read about "Circular Dating." Good luck. As I said, I look back wistfully on my single life---loneliness follows you to the grave, even marriage & kids can't take it away. Seek pleasure. Please yourself extravagantly. YOLO. From a cynic on the east coast. Best of luck to you! Funda
ReplyDeleteFUNDA!
DeleteThis is what I love about the blog format. Sometimes I am given great jewels of wisdom back. Thank you! Thank you for responding so sanely to the lunatic ravings of a still feverish insomniac in the middle of the night.
WHERE is your blog? You are a fantastic writer! I read your response to my Mom over coffee and we both laughed heartily at the 'men as pitbull' analogy.
I am feeling better now that I have some coffee in hand AND the knowledge that board meetings happen at 6 pm. I shall take me Mum out for dinner tonight and please both of us extravagantly.
MERCI, Funda!