tonight. (August, 2010)

Tonight I made tortilla soup for my daughter's going away to college party. She asked for it. Which makes me feel really great.
I have been a parent for so damn long. And it's been SOOOO hard. Not because of the kids - not at all. Because of the fathers.
I won't get into all that tonight - but anyone who knows me knows it's true. I t would have been easier if I'd been one of those creatures - like jellyfish - that just sort of separate.
But out of the horrible, nightmare relationships - have come these four stars. They are stars. They are bright and shining and full of energy. And I know how lucky I am.
I know it when they chastise me. "Mom, that wasn't very nice. you don't have to call Izzy's friend's ZOMBIES!"
I know it when I tuck them in, all flopped out on the couch in front of a movie.
I know it when Sophie dies her hair - platinum blonde, or hot pink, or whatever.
I know it when I hear Max's new song - and it sticks in my head - and then i start thinking about the lyrics....
I know it when my impossibly gorgeous Izzy gives me a hug and says "Thank you for the soup,mom." in her soft, kitteny little voice.
I know it when Blue says "What can i do to help?"...and I look around and say , "Are you big enough to take out the trash?" - then see him size up the trash can , nod in a manly fashion and grab the giant bag to haul it out with a proud look on his face.
I am so lucky. I say thank you in a whisper every night.
For these children. And for Zyll - the super bad-ass of cats. And for my house - which i will soon lose. Which WE will soon lose. I am lucky. And tonight's tortilla soup may be the best I have ever made. Don't forget me, Izzy. Don't forget us - out there in the fabulous city that never sleeps. Don't get entirely lost, my sweet, kick-ass darling!!!!!!
xoxoxoxox....Mom.