Dear Roosevelt...

Dear Roosevelt,
I feel the need to write you a letter as my hair is drying.
I know that some people of our aquaintance have expressed that I have been too harsh on you/about you in my previous writing. But... you scare me. Let me explain.

Over the last few years, I think we have become friends.In the beginning, you were just 'my brother's friend'. Then you became more familiar to me as we worked together on some genuinely crazy stuff. (Charlie Wilson's War footage, Boy Whores, etc.) And now - after all this time, and having you live below me for a couple of years now, I feel like I have heard your stories, you have heard mine, and we are actually friends. We have come to the point where you take me for granted - as true friends do. You help yourself to my whiskey and brandy, you actually PET Zyll (our cat), and are concerned when Izzy is out too late. And though I don't take you for granted in the same way - I ask you to bail me out by paying rent early often enough, and I am quite aware that you know more of my secrets than anyone who is not a real friend could ever know.

And as your friend - someone who genuinely cares about you - you scare me. But wait! Perhaps it is NOT the way you think...
The thing is....that lately, I've been feeling like you and I have more in common than I have previously realized. We both feel very deeply about things, I think - at least love - only we have totally different ways of dealing with these feelings.

You, it is clear, shut yourself up and away. You feed yourself a daily mantra of bitterness and disdain. I know, because I hear it. And yet you are human. You need affection like anyone. And it has pleased me more than I can say to see you change your course about the cat. It seems a little thing - but - when you first moved in you claimed to be allergic, and tossed her off of you always. Now you call her to come and sit on your lap. The same with the kids. Especially Sophie - who will not take your bitter attitude no matter how you try to feed it. I love to see her interact with you. She laughs at your sarcasm, no matter how sharp, and ends up engaging YOU - the scrooge of the world - in a tickle fight, despite yourself.

This is all to say, that I am rethinking the idea that I have dealt with this pain of love (or lack of it) in a better way than you.

You are very idealistic at your core, I think - and so was I once. And though our ways of dealing with our own heartbreaks are almost polar opposites, perhaps we are more alike than either of us have imagined. At our centers.

You are intelligent (no one would argue that), and talented and surprisingly kind beyond your harsh words and exterior.

But there is a great part of me that believes that we all make (more or less) our own worlds. Of course unexpected things can happen - OF COURSE - but, even when they do - ultimately is not our outlook our world?

I have made so many mistakes in the name of love. In that great search. I admit it freely. And because of some of those mistakes I have four amazing children, and have lived 13 lives. 13 roller-coaster lives. Not peaceful and steady. Not predictable - but I guess on some level that's what I've wanted...right?

And you.
You scare me because I feel like I am falling into YOUR trap. YOUR world. And believe me - I understand why you are there. I understand the desire to numb one's feelings. I want more than ever to numb my own right now - you know all about this.

I know that you judge me quite harshly. At LEAST as harshly as I judge you - and probably more so - and that's ok. I don't have answers any more than you do - I guess I thought I did. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry if I thought that I was in some way more 'enlightened' than you - or that my way was better. I no longer think that it is.

Please accept my apology.
It is hard being both a human and an animal. Some of us are more human - more cerebral, and some more animal. I don't think it makes either of us wrong.

Please believe me when I say that I truly hope you find what your heart desires.

your friend, jennifer.