Marieke.

Forgive me. But I must take a break from the Peter story.
You see, all that has to happen is for me to see a photo, or hear a word from my daughter, and I am reduced to tears, and no other thoughts - sometimes for days.

Marieke will absorb many more pages of my writing at some time. But for now - well, we'll see.

This is one of the most important stories of my life. It is so influential in how I think, how I make decisions as a mother and a person. It has affected me in every way.

But let's start with Mieke, Marieke's mother.
I met Mieke in a most unusual way. I love hearing her tell the story of how we met for the first time, and often ask her to repeat it. We'll be at a party (for example) and someone will say "How did you two meet?"
I will then look at my beautiful friend, and by now, she knows from my look that I want HER to tell the story.
So Mieke says ( with her slightest of slight Dutch accent and her lovely sweet and forthright way) "Well...the first time I saw Miss Jeni, she was in a golden dress and she flew right over my head on a trapeze."
And then we both laugh - because it's true, but so many more important and remarkable things have happened to and with us since then. About a million years ago (it seems), Mieke was with her husband, Chris Douridas, in Dallas, and they saw me in a play where I, indeed, flew over Mieke's head wearing a gold lame prom dress.

Although Chris has since become more well known for being an incredibly accomplished DJ and interviewer, and music supervisor for huge movies, he was, in Dallas, an actor as well, and part of the small theater community. Luckily for me.

We all moved out to LA at roughly the same time, and Mieke and I began to be friends when we were both pregnant with our daughters. We would see each other at MTV events, and parties - but we didn't become GREAT friends until we both went through our own versions of our own rocky divorces. Mine was first. And both she and Chris were so good to me. So supportive.
By the time she was divorced and moved closer to me into my adjoining neighborhood, Los Feliz, she was the single mother of two incredible children, and I was the single mother of three incredible children. And they all ended up going to the same incredible school. The Hollywood Little Red Schoolhouse. Much more about this VERY special place later. So much has come from that place with such an old - fashioned, funny name.

Mieke and I had many things in common. We were both very young mothers. We both came here from Dallas - (via Holland in her case) - we were, in fact, SUCH young mothers, that both of us had been mothers our entire ADULT lives, pretty much. In her case, she had been married to Chris her entire adult life. Our youngest two children were the same age, and got along like gang busters.

Her daughter, Marieke, was my daughter, Izzy's age. They went to school together in this tiny, lovely school that felt like family. They both had health issues. My daughter had to go to the front office to take pills and powders three times a day, and Marieke went with her - to make it more fun. Marieke had to be taken to the hospital in the middle of the night sometimes - or sometimes while on vacation from the middle of the woods - she had epilepsy. And Mieke called me to come and sleep over with her son, Luka.
Luka was Sophie's age. They got along like gang busters, too. Izzy and Marieke were best friends. They believed in fairies, and went on "spying missions" together in the neighborhood. Sophie and Luka could be left together for hours - we wouldn't hear a peep.

This made life wonderful for me - and I think for Meike - for a time. We became best friends at the same pace our daughters were becoming best friends. We had parties together, we went dancing together, to movies in the middle of day, we went on trips together. I joked and referred to our power as "double blonde". When we went out - nothing could stop us. And as much as we shared fun adventures, we shared painful things, too. Mieke has ALWAYS been there for me. ALWAYS.

After a few years of crazy fun times, our friends melding together into one big raucous group, Mieke and her sweetheart, Jim, moved out to South Pasadena with the kids. For the kids. The schools there are the best public schools in the entire LA area. They were happy, bought a sweet house, and I saw less of them than before. Simply because of the distance. Driving in LA traffic can take it's toll on many things. We were still close in our hearts, we just didn't spen as much time together.

One of the many friends that had melded into both of our worlds, was my "gay husband", Mark. He still babysat for both of us from time to time, and after a gig at Mieke's house with Marieke and Luka, he would call me up and say, "That Marieke is SO GOOD. She's almost TOO good! She gets upset if I get them to bed even 5 minutes late! You really have to be on your toes with that one!"
To which I would laugh. I knew that side of Marieke very well.

Marieke was a beautiful little girl with long, shining blonde hair, perfect, delicate features and sparkling eyes. When She and Izzy were young, people always thought they were sisters. She was the sweetest and kindest person I have ever met. Young or old. She became a vegetarian early on, because she couldn't bear the thought of killing animals for food. She was universally loved in all of her classes, and she was always rescuing one animal or another. Mieke's house began to be filled up with wounded birds,squirrels, - you name it. If they couldn't find a home for the creature, it was welcomed into their own.

And then, as she came into her teenage years, Marieke was drawn more and more to acting. She got her heart set on going to the performing arts high school, which was very hard to get into. It was by audition only, and loads of kids were turned away.
So, Mieke gave me a call.
"I'm so worried she won't get in." she confided in me."It's really, really hard, Jennifer.I just don't want her to get her heart broken, you know?"
Of course I knew. I had done it myself at Marieke's age.
"Can you help her with her Shakespeare monologue, Jeni? I don't know anything about that, and anyway - you know how they are - they won't listen to their MOTHER."

So I helped Marieke with her monologues. And it was such a treat. I LOVE working with young people on acting projects of all and any kind. And this was especially wonderful for me because it afforded me some very rare and lovely one on one time with one of my favorite people in the world.It allowed me to see a real glimpse of the teenage Marieke that I had seen too little of since they moved away and were all in different schools. She was the same sweet girl I had always known - happy, and shy - AND - a GOOD actress.

She got into the performing arts high school and won a rather big award for her acting in a film that year.

I guess another reason that Mieke and I didn't spend as much time together was because I was still single, and she was happily settled down with Jim. They weren't married yet, but they may as well have been.
Not long after we had seen a screening of Marieke's big movie debut, I went out on a date. I had 4 children by this time, and August was still pretty little. So - of course - Mark came over to babysit. Wonderful, patient Mark. Mark who put up with Sophie's fickle needs and sometimes bossy attitude towards her little brother.

Sophie hated it when I went on a date, and sometimes tried to sabotage my evening so I'd have to come home earlier.So, when my cell phone started to blow up right after we had ordered dinner, and before we were even halfway through our first martinis, I put the thing on silent, and hoped that Mark could handle whatever terrible macaroni and cheese crisis had come up on his own. I was having so much fun with this handsome writer, the restaurant was excellent,and our waitress could not be more lovely. She came to our table right after the mussels had been served.
"Miss Nash?" she directed at me, "There's a phone call for you at the front.." she said, indicating that the phone was at the hostess' station by the front door.
"I'm sorry. " I said to my date, "It's probably just my daughter."
"No problem. Im not going anywhere." he said with a smile.

I picked up the the heavy, old fashioned phone. It was shiny black, the kind my Grandmother used to have in the office of her dress shop.
"Hello?" I asked.
Mark's voice came through the phone. But even in that second - that very long second - before I heard his voice, I could feel that something was wrong. I felt instantly sober and sick to my stomach before he'd even had a chance to tell me.

"Marieke...Marieke is dead."

Mark's voice sounded strange and small. It sounded twisted and far away. He said more things to me - but I was in shock, I couldn't hear him. Or understand him. Once again I found myself crying "NO! No, no NO!!! "
I think I might have said something to him about it better not be a sick joke - but I could tell that it wasn't. As much as Mark likes to joke around, and as dark as his humor can be - he would never do that.
I felt the tears and pain twist my body into a crazy shape. The gentleman that I was on a date with came over immediately, and the waitress held me up. They were both saying they were so, so sorry. I think his name was John.
Somehow he got me home. Somehow Mark and I got through that night. I don't remember him leaving my house. I think he may have stayed the night, just to make sure I was ok. I spoke to Jim. He sounded like a ghost. Mieke was sedated.

The next few days and weeks were hell for me, for my family,and for Mieke and her family of course.I felt so helpless. And so angry. I wanted to take God on. I wanted to fight him - to strangle him. It didn't make any sense. This wasn't supposed to happen. Marieke was supposed to go to the performing arts school. She and Izzy were supposed to grow up together. Be at each other's weddings. They used to to come to Mieke and I and say, "We want to have girls at the same time - like you guys did - so that there will be three generations of best friends. Grandmothers, mothers and daughters."
THAT'S how it was supposed to happen! Not like this!

Marieke had a seizure and died in the bathtub, in her mother's arms. She hadn't had one in almost two years. She was celebrating after a performance of 'Grease' by having ice-cream in the tub. In the five minutes it took for her mother to go get the ice cream, it happened.

I have never seen a Church so full of people as I did at Marieke's funeral. It was so full, that when I got there, I thought the overflow of people outside WAS the funeral.I was inconsolable. Sophie held me while I sobbed in her arms.I just couldn't stop.

A few days later, I took Luka and my kids to Disneyland for his birthday. What a suck birthday for him. But he was great. Luka kept everyone amused by doing magic tricks in the weeks following.

We lost my little brother, Paul, when he was only ten. We lost Marieke when she was only fourteen. I am sure they are somewhere good. But it's hard for the people that miss them. That feel cheated out of their rightful time with these bright and beautiful children.

All we have is time on this earth. All the money or power in the world couldn't buy Mieke or I more time with these two amazing people.
And that is what shapes my world.
The ever present question of "How have you spent your time?"

A couple of years later, I began to see John (my date) at the gym sometimes. At first,he pretended not to recognize me, avoided me at all costs. I guess it was too uncomfortable for him. But after a while, he got to the point where he would nod to me BEFORE he high-tailed it out of whatever room I was in.

And not long ago, I went to a new Italian restaurant that I'd heard about from an old Italian bartender at the Dresden.I walked into this funny little restaurant in a strip mall in Silverlake, and there was the waitress that had held me up when I got that awful call.
Without any words from either of us, she came over and gave me hug. A total stranger. We stood there, hugging one another for what was probably a couple of minutes. A couple of minutes well spent.