Karma can be a bitch. (or BJ's not with AMP anymore)

A band we all know and love is playing the Key Club tonight. I guess I can name names now. It's been so long...
So, After Midnight Project (AMP) plays the Key Club tonight. I wrote about them in my first 2 blogs. They are opening for Everclear. Pretty sweet. And I might mention that they will be playing WITHOUT their old bass-player. You know that saying, "Karma's a bitch?" Well, sometimes it is.

A couple of years ago, my 'gay husband' Mark and I were discussing what we would be for Halloween. He was pretty sure he was going as an escaped convict, but I had NO idea what to be this particular year. And we had a REALLY fun night lined up. Mark started laughing his slightly maniacal laugh out of nowhere.
"You know what you should BE?" he asked.
"No. What?"
"I have SO GOT IT!" he declared triumphantly."The Kiss of Good Fortune!"
"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked. Sometimes Mark goes right off his rocker. Just as I do.
He could hardly stop laughing at his own brilliance and superior insight. "No!", he exclaimed, "I mean it! You know how you always date these guys that go on to being REALLY rich or famous AFTER you date them? Or, sometimes you don't even DATE them - you just KISS them or whatever! Do you know what I mean?"
"No. You're a lunatic." I said.
"Come ON! You CAN'T be serious! THINK about it! Well, let's name them, shall we?"
"I don't have the FOGGIEST idea what you are referring to.", said I in my most high and mighty voice.
"Well, you know how I'm always telling you that you should have married one of these famous guys, and then you wouldn't be struggling with money - and for SOME reason you insist on going out with the least attractive, practically HOMELESS jerks!"
"Yea, yea,yea. WHAT does this have to do with a costume?"
"Well...I'm just saying that you ARE the kiss of good fortune. Let me remind you. Matt Le Blanc, right? and Gary Kasparov - didn't he beat the computer AFTER you dated him? and started going on Letterman and all that? Christian Slater, Jim Carey, Joe Rogan...the list goes on and on!"
"I don't think I kissed Joe Rogan. He just showed me his perfect naked body. Hard-on included."
"What EVER. You get my point. And that guy from 'Flight of the '...that weird show! didn't you kiss HIM? RIGHT before they SOLD that show?"
"Yea. We made out. In the parking lot. That was nice."
"Well, that's what I'm saying! You should GO as The Kiss of Good Fortune!"
"I love that show."
"Ok, don't go and get all dreamy about that guy - you let him go. It's too late, now. But what do you think about the costume?"
"Yea, I think it's good."

So - that year I went as The Kiss of Good Fortune. I took an old,simple white dress and pinned all kinds of things all over it that symbolized good fortune. I had poker chips, money, fortunes from fortune cookies, condoms (they can be lucky), playing cards, and lots and LOTS of jewels,silver and gold dripping from all over...oh yes, and a rabbit's foot on my bejeweled belt. It was one of the best Halloweens ever. And that good fortune costume really worked out for me THAT night - but that's a whole other story.

But the thing is - it turns out I am an over-all luck magnet. Meaning, that the guys who have kissed me or dated me and been real solid jerks have gone on to have quite BAD fortune. I'm JUST sayin'....
And the most shining example of that is AMP's old bass player. Yes, I said old. As in he was too old for the band in the first place, and he is no longer WITH the band. In fact he is stuck in Canada with no green card or Visa. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I get a sort of evil "I told you so" kind of pleasure out of writing this. But before you judge me - maybe you should consider what he DID to warrant such bad luck.

WHAT HE DID: BJ (I'm calling him BJ for the purposes of this blog - he's so nasty, he might sue me) did these things. 1. he flirted with me like crazy when my sister wasn't interested in him. Then he called me all the way back to LA from Austin. That was actually really fun. The two of us were behaving like teenagers. 2. HE talked ME into getting serious with him - even though I knew it wasn't a good idea, and said so - a LOT. 3. Before I knew it, he had pretty much moved himself into my house - without asking. He just did it. He would bring more and more of his stuff every time he came over. And the sleepovers lasted for more and more days at a time. At the same time he was moving in, he was also acting like a homeless puppy, telling me that his "roomate" was completely phsyco and playing up the sympathy card. He pegged me for a sucker. And he was RIGHT. He immediately became BFFs with my tenant, and tried to be buddies with all my kids. Max saw right through him, though and would have none of it. 4. He used every personal thing I told him about myself or my past to make me feel crazy. He outright lied about his "roomate" to make his final push at moving in. Called me while I was in San Fransisco sobbing, saying she had pepper sprayed him in the face, and she wouldn't give him his cat, or his computer. Needless to say - I was a big softy. Not only did I let him move in (officially), but I BOUGHT HIM A CAR. That's right. That's my bad. A cheap car, but never the less. I was sick of him using MY car and getting tickets. And he made me feel so sorry for him, AND was always saying that I was the love of his life, and that he would pay me back as soon as the band started making money, etc., etc. - anyway. The car thing was on ME. I mean, he didn't hold a gun to my head or anything. 5. He bought me a horrible, cheap, cheesy gorilla from Right Aide for Valentine's day. I had to WORK over Valentine's day - had to drive to Texas - so he gave it to me to take on the trip - so I'd think of him. The gorilla had a rose in his mouth and was wearing a little tuxedo with a heart on it's lapel that said 'I WUV U'. I'm not kidding. 6. WHILE I was driving to Texas for work - to support US - he wasn't paying any rent or for groceries or anything OF COURSE (I think you got that by now) - he brought a girl to MY HOUSE on Valentines Eve and screwed her HERE. IN MY HOUSE. While I was in Texas with that stupid gorilla. She slept over. He took her to breakfast the next morning.He found the money to pay for that. 7. How do I know this? Because she called me months later. When he was on tour - but I thought we were still going out. That girl called me, and the "roomate" called me. He had been screwing both of them. No wonder she pepper sprayed him. 8. When these two ladies called me and told me the whole deal (they were both REALLY pissed at him as you can imagine - he actually played this half-written song for ALL of us and said that he was writing it 'just for you, baby'....you have to admit that's pretty DAMN funny in hindsight!) they also told me he was engaged to be married. They let me know that the day after he came to my house, PICKED ME UP and swooped me into my bedroom to make love to me, he did NOT go back to Canada to see his dad that was recovering from a heart-attack as he claimed - he ACTUALLY got on a plane to some bum-fuck state to go RING SHOPPING with his fiance. The 22 yr. old fiance who was going to marry him quickly so he could get a green card. 9. are we on 9? yes. 9. He never apologized, paid me back for the car, or for any of the other money he borrowed. ...10!!! I almost forgot this one!!! Blanked it out, more like - because it does NOT make ME look good, either. He got into a FIGHT with my son - Max - at South by Southwest in Austin. A fist fight. For no reason. Except that I think BJ just KNEW that Max was on to him, and he didn't want anyone ruining his meal ticket. That's a BIG 10. That was the beginning of the end. And I KNOW what you're thinking! It should have been the END END. The END of all ENDS!

So...that's pretty much what he did in a nut-shell. I can't BELIEVE I'm telling you this - it makes me look SO stupid. But I WAS so stupid. The thing is - or was - that I just can't IMAGINE doing anything like that to someone. So, I couldn't imagine that he would do it to me. He was a really good bass player. And he used to pick me up all the time, like I was a princess.But that's about all I have to say that's good about him.
It wasn't too long after he did all those terrible things to me that he was dropped from the band, and stuck in Canada. I guess his green card relationship didn't work out.

And that's why I think I might be a luck magnet. I never DID anything to get revenge. I never TRIED to screw him up after that in any way. Ok, I did put that stupid gorilla in a plastic bag and tied it up tight, thinking it might work as a voodo doll...but other than THAT!

And tonight, Max is going to see his buddies in After Midnight Project, and Everclear at the Key club - where they ALWAYS sound GREAT - and Mr. Bad, Bad bass player is stuck up in the frozen tundra.He HATES the cold. He's probably playing with a cover band in some grungy bar.Or maybe he's with some great band - who knows. Who cares. All I know is that I am NEVER buying a guy a car again, and all of the people that didn't behave like a jerk-hole are here - careers climbing in sunny California.