tonight was all about Tess...

Ok, Tess. Tonight the blog is about you. You have officially earned my respect. And it hasn't been easy. I know that. I'm pretty hard on Max's girlfriends. And the bar has been high. Max has gone out with some pretty incredible girls. (and excuse me for calling you all girls - but we ARE going back many years in my crazy brain - and - it's a compliment, anyway - you all are YOUNG. SO FUCKING YOUNG. Take LOTS and LOTS of pictures. That's my advice.)
But back to Tess.
I am going to have to say something REALLY not nice about myself to make you understand the fortitude of this beautiful, beautiful girl. Her beauty is not in question. She is one of the rare women in this world who really is born with the right stuff. She hasn't had ANY plastic surgery, and she has this body that all women would kill for. I mean, thank goodness that there are DIFFERENT bodies in the world - all kinds - but Tess possesses the sort of "playboy" body that lots of us have compared ourselves to and come out feeling short-changed. THIS GODESS WALKS AROUND MY HOUSE. All the time. In towels. In her bathing suit. This is my life. And in clothes! of COURSE - MOSTLY in clothes - it's not like that stupid show. (sorry but it's stupid) It doesn't MATTER - even in clothes - sweaters, whatever - with NO MAKEUP - this person is a young goddess. NOT that I'm not USED to that. My children and their friends are in this realm. My sister pointed it out to me.THIS IS MY LIFE. Young god-like people prancing about in their skivvies, some of them movie stars, some with voices like Janis Joplin, some crazy, some with SUPER famous parents...talent and beauty are the norm in my house. THIS IS MY LIFE. So, naturally, I don't really notice. It takes someone from out of town - someone like my sister - to point out that I'm surrounded by the best looking and coolest young people anyone could find anywhere. And 4 of them happen to be my kids.
TESS. Tess. Tess came into our lives on the sly. And in a really public way. She came in sneaking around on a reality show. Somehow - before any of us knew what was happening - Max was dating this girl on TV. And here. But at first - it seemed more like he was dating her on TV. And she came with an incredibly difficult TV sort-of 'sister'. Alexis. Tess brought her to my house, we watched all of them on this bizarre reality show together, everyone breathed a sigh of relief when Alexis left - and little by little, Tess kind of moved in to our world.
Well, this is the not nice part of ME. Tess has been around for a while, now. And - when she was connected to the hip with Alexis - the verdict was OUT as far as I was concerned. MY kids don't STEAL shit. MY kids are all really SMART and have a LOT going for them. I just didn't KNOW about this girl and her wacky "sister"/friend - whatever....
And, let me tell you - Max, my son - my oldest son - and I - we have been through it ALL together. He has been there with me through New York, Texas, London, LA (without a cent)...dragged that kid to auditions, dragged him through bad boyfriends and marriages....Max was there with me when my X was detoxing with Kurt Cobain, he was there for me shortly after I was beaten to a pulp, and when I came back from Vegas married to an English grifter...we've been through it it all. And the point is, that we haven't fought very often. Or for very long.

SO...those fights that we HAVE HAD....they are memorable. And one of them was recently. I won't share with you all the details. Suffice it to say - we were arguing - LOUDLY. You could even say yelling.... and before he left and slammed the door behind him - I said something I am not at all proud of.
I called his girlfriend a "whore".
This is not like me.
I've never said anything like that before - about his girlfriends - or anybody - except Meg Whitman - who I vehemently say is WORSE than a whore....
So this was terrible. And Tess was doing nothing but trying to make peace between us at this time. Completely sticking up for Max. I thought that was great. Was noble.I did. I felt so stupid the moment i said it.
No better than Alexis. Or....well...take your pick. I feel wretched thinking about it now. this very moment. Especially after tonight. Especially ever.
When have I ever called anyone that? It's terrible.
And the thing is.... I relate to Tess in a lot of ways. But mostly - because her mother. Her blood mother - dropped out of the picture when she was very young. About the same age MY mother dropped out. And that's fucking HARD. Say what you will...it is HEARTBREAKING.

Tonight....tonight was one of those nights that starts out horribly, and ends up full of laughs and surprises.

I was making dinner for Max, and Tess and myself - and stupidly (perhaps) looking forward to the return of 'Top Chef' on the old tube. 'Top Chef' is a guilty pleasure for me, what can i say? And it had been a little bit of a weird day already because my good friend, Mark, had called me up that afternoon and said , "Have you been listening to the radio? Alexis has been arrested for possesion of black tar heroin!"
I said, "What the hell are you talking about?"
and he said, "Alexis! 'Lexi',or whatever! That other crazy 'sister' of Tess'!!! What the fuck!? Where is TESS????"
"I have no idea..." I said....and realized that this could be VERY bad for Tess - even if she was WITH Alexis...just WITH her.
I called Max. He didn't answer...he was in the studio. I called Tess next. She was at my house. And was totally ok - hiding out from the barrage of phone calls and texts and tweets....

"Geeze....", I thought..."it has to be really tough on her. SHE doesn't have any heroine.She's just hanging out at my house - and thank goodness!"

So, I got back home. Tess was stressed. Of course. Another arrest on TMZ. And she's associated by proxy. It blows.
We had dinner. Went into the TV room to chill and watch 'Top Chef' - and whatever else....we were all tired.
And then it HAPPENED.
It was BIBLICAL! This INFESTATION of pincher bugs!!!!! Totally harmless - but completely GROSS!!!! And I freaked! Max and Tess went into war mode.

Together, we ripped off slip-covers, tore up carpets, killed maybe hundreds of pincher bugs, put EVERYTHING in the whole room into the laundry in hot water or sprayed it down .....commando-style - Max and Tess assesed where the buggers were coming from and sent me to Home Depot for caulk at 10 pm! We shop- vacced! We vacced! We caulked - OK - THEY CAULKED!!!! TESS and MAX caulked the cracks where those little buggers were getting in!!!
And I have to say - the 2 of them were a fierce team. They put on head 'lanterns' at one point and had me - HAVE me - WILL HAVE me laughing for some time about how freaking cute they were in the face of those bugs and , you know - working HARD....and just ....ok.
Tess looks like a goddess. She does. So does Max. Do you have ANY idea how surreal it is to be warring pincher bugs with two god-like creatures that are beyond silly with head lanterns on their heads and fully committed? It is the BEST and WEIRDEST thing....it's right up there!
And I will tell you, that Tess Taylor won my respect - FULL ON tonight. The 3 of us against the pincher bugs....we WON, by the way.

And then, the great almighty boob-tube spouted the whole story of Alexis' arrest. I watched with Tess and Max. Her SECOND arrest. Watched Tess shake her head. More like a mother than a friend or sister.She looked at me sadly. "I tried to take her to her probation appointments." she said , "She just wouldn't go."
The poor kid. She felt like Alexis was her responsibility.
Tess is so young. She is so damn young. And, SHE - believe me - has EVERY EXCUSE for bad behavior. And yet....on the night that her TV 'sister' was being arrested for black tar heroine and violation of probation, Tess was at my house. All day long. And at the end of the day - was helping ME with my epic war on the pincher bugs, and feeling responsible for something she had and has NO control over.....
Think about that the next time you see her smokin' hot playboy body on the internet. There is a solid, caring soul connected to that beautiful image. I attest to it.