sobbing, bawling - Bette Davis' fault.

My intention was to get back to writing about WICKER in the big Apple...but things happen.

Nothing big happened tonight. I just got an e-mail that let me know I've lost a friend that I thought I'd reclaimed after a very long time. And my "gay husband" came over for a late supper. Step, and Max and Tess and I had already eaten - I was super flattered because Tess liked my quiche - and she doesn't like EGGS. (Step - otherwise known as 'puppy'- is Max's DJ and long time friend). And then Mark came over for a late bite.

Mark is my "gay husband" # 2. And by that, I mean that he is gay, a very good friend, and he helps me with my life and has stuck around longer than most of the straight men in my world. He is a VERY tall, handsome man who is a good babysitter (most of the time) and good at shopping and putting Ikea furniture together. He is also good at gardening. And decorating. And eating my food. But he can be a little mean.

For instance, he is always joking around and insinuating that I'm so old. Even when we met 10 years ago, and I wasn't yet.

What ever. If I could meet a straight guy who teased me about that and was as nice as Mark, and as loyal - I'd just be in heaven. One time, we were out at a fancy restaurant with some friends and this lady came around with roses to sell. No guys ever buy those roses, and if they do - you always think they're cheesy for doing it. But this night, Mark and I were the singletons among a bunch of couples, and I bought him a rose. I declared my love for Mark loudly. Fuck those singletons. They were acting as if they were SOOOO superior - all ready for Noah's ark. Mark may have been embarrassed, but if he was, he didn't show it.

Tonight, we ducked into the front room and watched 'Now Voyager'. An old black and white Bette Davis flick - and I won't give away the movie, in case you haven't seen it - but it left me in tears. Ok, not in tears as much as BAWLING - crying and sobbing LOUDLY at the horrible ending. God, it's terrible. It's that famous line "Why should we reach for the moon when we have the stars?" - THAT'S THE LAST LINE!!!!! of the WHOLE MOVIE!!!! It's SOOO horrible!! Well, you just watch it - maybe it's where I'm coming from. It is most certainly where I'm coming from. For a few minutes there, I thought I wouldn't be able to stop. That I'd just be on a terrible crying jag for the whole night. Something inside of me exploded when I heard that last line. And the thing is - I'm not in a bad place, emotionally. I didn't think I was. I just came back from the BEST trip in the world - and feeling so loved by my wonderful kids.....BUT WHO ENDS A MOVIE THAT WAY!!!!??????

I don't know. I guess the bottom line is that I'm made for love. And although I have the mother/ child kind of love in spades - something is missing. Days and nights go by, and I just feel fine - and then some stupid song comes on the radio, or some MOVIE with a FUCKED UP ENDING like that, and I remember that I am .....well, you get the picture.

For tonight.....I am unglued.
For tonight I am going to bed with a huge void.
For tonight, even surrounded by the best people, I am alone.