Banking my Bad Valentine's Day Karma.

I have just come out on the other side of a pretty bleak and lonely Valentine's day. ANOTHER rotten one.Am I surprised? No. Not at all. You see, I put this Karma in the bank. I didn't MEAN to - but I SURE did. Listen, and learn.

I have introduced you already to David Poynter - the footman in 'Les Liaisons..', and I have told you that he was responsible for one of my all time great Valentines. One of only two. Let me now tell you that he was a great boyfriend the whole time we went out - off and on as it was - with very little exception. I was the crazy one. For some reason, at the ripe old age of 23, I was determined that David and I needed to go further. To dial it in. Put it in the bank.I needed to feel safe. And (apparently) David being there for me, sharing the responsibility of a very young Max with me, loaning me his car when I needed it,and doing altogether off the charts romantic things for me - was NOT enough. I should have listened and felt his ACTIONS - but I was hung up on three little words. Words he was not prepared to say. When we got into an argument about it (ending always in me crying my eyes out), he always said "I will only say that to one person, Jennifer. That will be the woman that I am going to marry."

I wanted to be that person - but I screwed it all up, royally.

Let me now tell you that we had some others "issues", as they say. Before you go off thinking that I am an altogether horrible person.(which I may be, let's face it) When we got to LA together - DAVID was the one with the contacts. HE was the one with interviews at two of the best agencies in town. I merely drove him to the interviews, and without any effort on my part (beyond waiting in the lobby) - BOTH agencies wanted to sign me, and NOT David. This was not easy. Not for him, and not for me. I felt like I was stealing his moment - but HONESTLY - I did nothing except drive him to said interviews and wait patiently in the lobby. Both times - THEY spotted ME. It was a MAJOR stroke of luck for me - because getting a good agent in this town is MORE than half the battle.In my heart and soul, I know I did nothing wrong as it applies to THAT.

BUT, the coming weeks and months were tough for us.I got acting work before I could get a waitressing job. And another, and another - which ended up meaning I never had to get a waitressing job. I was off and running. And David was more or less ok with it until I moved into 2730 Hollyridge Drive.(I believe Eva Mendes lives there now)
It was quite a step up from Korea Town.I needed a room-mate to split the bills so that I could afford it, but even so - it was a beautiful house with views of the city to die for. And I was doing well enough that soon every time we wanted to go to dinner, I was paying. Wanted to go to the movies, I was paying. David needed new headshots....well, you get the picture.
And it wasn't a problem for ME. But it was a little bit of a problem for David.

Christmas rolled around while I was living on Hollyridge, and once again, David wanted to go his separate way. I was not invited back to Kentucky with him for Christmas, and he wouldn't come with me to Austin. And then, right before we were both going to leave for the holidays, something bad happened.

We had a scare.I was late, and thought I was pregnant. The first test was positive.
David freaked out and said horrible things to me. He said it would be the WORST thing that could possibly happen to him. I wasn't going to let him get away with that so easily.

"Worse than getting in a motorcycle accident and losing...a LEG, for instance!?" I demanded.
"Yes." he said, coldly. "You having this baby would be worse."

I tested him and pleaded with him. I didn't think I could get rid of HIS baby. OUR baby. I was so in love with him - it didn't seem possible. And I was on my WAY. I was making good money - and had EVERY confidence that with David at my side, I would make even more! Money was not an issue. But David did not budge an inch.He held fast that this would be the WORST thing that could possibly happen to him, and he left for Kentucky on those terms.

The day after he left (without me), I got my period.
Of course it was a HUGE relief.

Max and I got on a plane to Texas, and I made the motions of going through Christmas with my family, with a dull ache in my heart the whole time.
On Christmas Eve, David called me up.
It was a terrible call. I told him that I loved him, but if he couldn't say the same thing back to me, and if he was still convinced that having a baby with me would be the WORST thing that could possibly happen to him, then it had to be over. I couldn't take it. I was already there. I wanted him to move in with me, be my partner, make me his family - the whole nine yards. And he didn't feel that way about me.
So, that was that. We broke it off on Christmas Eve, over the phone.I was heartbroken. It was a terrible Christmas. But at the end of the call, David said, "We can still be friends, right?"

I paused for a moment, thinking.
"Of course we can be friends. We've gone through so much together." I replied.
I loved him so much. I couldn't just turn it off like a switch. That much I knew.
But I was determined to get over him. To conquer the pain and rejection that he had handed out to me in such a heavy dose.

This is where an Interlochen friend comes into the story.
Eric Voetberg and his brother, Patrick, were living in LA, not far from me. And Patrick had become a really close friend. For whatever reason, we had become comfortable sharing our deepest secrets and thoughts. So, he knew my about my problems with David. Intimately.

"Jennifer!" he would say, "You deserve something better than this! You really do."
And Patrick started to mention a friend of his on a VERY regular basis. Pen. Pen Pendleton.

Patrick invited Pen Pendleton to the play that I produced (with David's help), and stayed after so that he could introduce us.
"I really liked the play." Pen Pendleton said to me, as we were all cleaning up the lobby.
"Thanks." I tossed off to this stranger wearing a Brooks Brother's suit.(He was the ONLY one wearing a suit to that play, I can assure you!)
"Thanks for coming! And thanks for dressing up." I said in sardonic tone.
Patrick stepped in to his friend's defense, "He's just coming straight from work. This is the ...uh...friend I've been telling you about."
"Oh." said I. "Well, thanks for coming."

Not long after that, I threw a party. A Halloween party.
We filled the bathtub with dry ice, and threw all of the beer in there. And my roomy worked with a bunch of TV and movie people, so some of the costumes were OFF the HOOK!
I was busy looking after Max, and hosting this party, so I barely remember Pen Pendleton being there. But he was.

Then, right before Christmas, David and I went to this dance club on the west side that Patrick's friends did. (and Pen's) It was GREAT! The greatest dance club I've ever been to in LA. It was a Mexican restaurant during the day, then on the weekend nights, it transformed into a dance club. (reminded me of a place we used to go to in NYC) They played GREAT music - bottom line. Stuff it's hard NOT to dance to. And, lo and behold - Pen Pendleton was there. They were his friends, doing this club, and he was pretty game. More fun than I had given him credit for - showing up in his suit to my artsy, edgy little play.

Before the night was through, he caught my arm and asked me if he could call me sometime. I gave a sideways glance to where David was flirting with some cute girls (or they with him, more likely) and said, "Yea. Sure thing. Get my number from Patrick."

New Year's Eve rolled around. I partied at my Mom's house with a big hole in my heart. David didn't call to say 'Happy New Year', but Pen Pendleton did. Well, why should he call? We were over. All done. Who knew who he was spending New year's Eve with in Kentucky.

Back in LA, Mr. Pendleton didn't waste any time in calling me up.
Our first date was amazing, even though I chattered away nervously like a little monkey the whole time. He had obviously done his homework. Pen Pendleton took me to a fantastic French restaurant that was beyond glamorous and elegant. He picked me up in his cherry 1966 Thunderbird convertible. And he paid for dinner. A real gentleman. Just as Patrick had described. OH! And before I forget - Patrick volunteered to babysit so that I could GO on this epic first date that he had been nudging me towards for months!

Pen and I dated our way towards Valentine's day. And in the meantime, David was acting confusing as hell.
He wasn't spending the night, wasn't kissing me - but he WAS around. A little. His birthday was coming up, and he let me know he didn't have any plans. So, I decided to take him out for his first lobster. As a friend.
We had a great time. And I was starting to feel comfortable as his friend.I think a lot of pressure was off, and it was nice for both of us. But it was hard, too. I just kept going back to, "Why am I not good enough for him?" , while David seemed to think everything was better now than it ever had been. He even said so. Some evening when he was saying good night to Max and I, after some platonic engagement, he said, "This is great. Don't you think?"
I just looked at him. What the hell was he saying?
"I mean, it's just better than ever, seeing each other once or twice a week..."
I looked at him and nodded as my heart collapsed YET AGAIN. We weren't sleeping together, or even kissing - I was dating someone new (I hadn't told him yet - what was the point?)and THIS was the BEST it's BEEN!!!?????
I guessed he was right. This must be the best thing for us. Friendship, and nothing more. That was cool. I could handle it.

I mulled over the prospect of telling David that I was dating someone new. But, first it was his birthday, and I knew he was blue about work, etc. So, I decided to take him for lobster, and NOT say anything. Then, it was Valentine's day - and it could wait for a couple of days! Who wants to hear something like that on VALENTINE'S day!!???

So, I waited. And then David surprised me by asking me if we could do something on Valentine's day.
"I have to cater this big party on Catalina that night, but I thought we could go for a bike ride or something during the day. What do you think?" he asked me.
"Well, ok." I said - pretty confused. He was in such a good mood with us being friends (JUST friends), and I thought, "WEll, maybe this is how it's supposed to be.." ...but nobody wants to feel entirely alone on Valentine's day, so...what harm is a bike ride? Clearly it was a PLATONIC date.

David and I rented bikes that morning and rode from Venice to the Palisades, then back again.It was a beautiful day, and it was great fun. When it was time to say good bye, David kissed me on the cheek, leaving me feeling free of any romantic commitment to him. And, free of any illusion that HE might still be harboring some such romantic commitment.

I had a date with Pen Pendleton that night. And Mr. Pen Pendleton came through in a BIG way.
He was in cahoots with my room-mate, because after he took me to dinner, he proceeded to keep me outside in the dark for awhile, then led me into the bathroom with the giant jacuzzi tub, which he had filled with bubbles and filled the room with balloons. There he had a bottle of cold chapaigne waiting with 2 frozen glasses. There were also rose petals all over my bed.

This was obviously the first hard core attempt to get me into the proverbial sack. And it worked.

Just as most of our clothes were coming off, Pen and I heard a noise from the hall.
"Shhh." I warned Mr. Pendleton. (It might have been Max waking up)
We stayed quiet for a moment, listening. Then, when nothing more seemed to happen, we carried on.
About 2 minutes later, the door to my bedroom burst open, and David stood there - in complete shock.
I was in shock, too. I don't believe anyone said anything. David just stood there, looking horror stricken. Then he left. Slamming the door behind him.

I felt beyond terrible.
I had withheld this information (of me dating someone new) only so that I wouldn't hurt him - on the OFF CHANCE that it would. But I HAD withheld it. I was guilty.
I couldn't HELP but put myself in his shoes - and it was HORRIBLE! I wouldn't want to trade places with him for anything!

But it gets worse.
The next morning, I woke up from barely sleeping, and went about my usual morning routine. Coffee first. I opened the cabinet where the coffee was kept, and found a heart shaped candy with a message on it. 'Be mine.' And a little present, wrapped up with gold ribbon. Everywhere I went - my bathroom, etc - there was another candy with a message, and another tiny present wrapped up with love and thoughtfulness. David was tiptoeing through my house, delivering candy messages of love and little presents when he heard me with Pen in my bedroom. Every single thing that I routinely did in the morning - he knew - anticipated, and put a message forth in that place.

I sank down on the hall stairs, with my hands full of David's little treasures. Max was calling to me from the other room already - but I couldn't think - everything was swimming. Everything was beyond terrible.
I put myself in his shoes - planning this surprise - possibly hoping for a reunion on Valentine's day - sneaking around the house to locations known only to myself and David - then - opening that bedroom door to find me with another man. Horrible. Just horrible.

I don't have anything more to say about this right now. Only that I have not had one happy Valentine's day since ....and no wonder.

No wonder at all.