Max meets the pirates.(or, auditioning for 'Full House'.)

I have had many memorable auditions in this town. But this sticks out as the MOST memorable.

Back in the day, I mostly dragged Max with me to auditions. This was one of those days. I was auditioning for 'Full House', on the Sony lot - previously the MGM lot. This was a call- back for producers, and (as usual) I was running late. I parked my POS car in the lot, and dragged Max - trying to get him to hurry - by the hand towards the guard gate. Max was 5 at the time. He was lollygagging around, so I was literally "dragging" him behind me.

"Where is Bungalow - ?" I demanded of the guard.
"Well, it's down this alley here," he pointed,"and then sharp turn around the corner. Just turn the corner of the next sound stage - and you'll see it across the way." he explained.
"Can you walk a little faster, Max?" I asked my child - who seemed to be moving in slow motion.

We hustled down the 'alley' and turned the corner around the first giant sound stage, as told. And there - Max stopped short.

"AHHHHwww...AH! " he cried."PIRATES!"
I looked to see what he was seeing, and sure enough - PIRATES!
They were everywhere! And the closest one to us had a REAL wooden leg! Like - a peg leg - attached to a stump! They had tattoos, and long, Pirate hair, and they were smoking cigarettes. SIXTY of them at LEAST! In full pirate costume. VERY SCARY.

Max grabbed on to the edge of my shorts ( I remember EXACTLY what I was wearing, because it was an issue at the audition) and refused to go further.

"They're not REAL pirates, Max. They're just ACTORS! They're on break, or something!" I said, impatiently.
Max shook his sweet little, blonde head and pointed to the pirate with the REAL peg leg.
"What about HIM?" he asked.
I was at my wit's end. I needed to get to that audition four MINUTES ago!
"He's not REAL!" I claimed. "Come on, let's talk to him, I'll prove it to you."
So, I dragged Max (hiding behind my leg) over to the pirate with the wooden leg.
"Hi!", I said cheerfully, but hopefully indicating that I was in a rush, "My kid thinks you are a REAL pirate."
"Aaaargh!" the Pirate barked RIGHT at Max, leaning close in to him, so Max could smell his smokey/craft-service breath.
"Oooowp!" Max squeaked.
"I AM a real Pirate!" the man said in a CONVINCING manner. "How do you think I LOST me LEG!!!???"

Max FLED around the corner and hid behind the sound stage. I had to follow.
"SEE!!!??" Max said to me accusingly. "They ARE real pirates!"
"They're NOT!" I said. I didn't know what to do. As flaky as I was and am - I HATE and HATED to be late for any work thing!
"Come ON, honey!" I pleaded with Max (I didn't have TIME for this wrinkle!)
"NO, Mom!" he said, SUPER scared. "I don't want to see those PIRATES!"
But then he did something .....different. Max peeked around the corner. HA!
I could tell, all of a sudden, that he was SUPER intrigued and excited about the Pirates - as well as being scared. Like any little boy who was that age. REAL PIRATES! They were COOL , as much as they were scary.
"OK. " I said, this new information at hand. "This is what we're going to do." I looked at Max and pretended we were a covert team. Like 'Mission Impossible'. "We are going to RUN right through all of those pirates, and SMASH into the Bungalow on the other side! Ok?"
Max looked at me and thought about it for just a second. Then he bravely nodded his head.
"This is a big job for me, ok, kid? You got my back?"
Max nodded like a trooper. I started to go around the corner, when Max stopped me.
"Hold my hand - ok?" he said.
"YES!" I said. "Good idea!" I looked down at his little, trusting face and grabbed his hand tight. "I won't let go." I promised.
We ran for the Bungalow. And those pirates hooted and hollered. They LOVED it that some kid thought they were real! They made the most of it!

We got inside of the bungalow, and I introduced Max to the receptionist - (this was a well rehearsed part of the process for us. She was a super beautiful young girl, and fell in love with Max instantly, just as they all did.) I went in , feeling a LITTLE wonky, just because Max had been so scared, made Bob Saget and his writers/producers laugh, and came out still worried about Max and the pirates.
I should not have been worried. Max, in typical form, had completely charmed the receptionist. She had given him all kinds of contraband candy and crayons and paper, and she was laughing at something he'd just said when I walked out. That 20 yr. old receptionist would have given him the keys to her car if he could drive it!

I felt great about the audition, and Max and I strolled out of the Bungalow - BOTH of us feeling like "the MAN".
But there they were.
The Pirates. Still there. Or there again. And Max was still scared.
"Come on." I said. "I know you want to talk to them."
Max just looked at me. He did. But he wasn't sure. They might cut HIS leg off, after all.
So, we went up to a different Pirate, and talked to him for a bit. Max hid behind my leg, clinging on for dear life. But this pirate was much more mellow. He convinced Max to take a look at his tattoos, and spoke more gently. He seduced Max into having a whole conversation with him - without disclosing that he was an extra, and NOT a REAL pirate.

We went home that night, and Max just felt like he was on top of the moon. A gorgeous young receptionist had fallen in love with him, and he had made FRIENDS with a pirate. Not bad for five years old.