A couple of people have asked me "what ever happened with Tom?" And I have been reluctant to tell the rest of the story. I have been torn by wanting to tell the truth (the whole truth) or - dolling it up to make it look a little better. As I was doing the dishes just now, listening to Puccini, I was moved almost to tears (as usual) and felt swayed and inspired by the incredibly emotional music. I guess I'm spilling the whole story. There are those of you who will not approve of certain things in this one, and I beg you NOT to read on. If you are one of those readers who knows me from afar, wants to keep me in a precious bubble - this is NOT the blog for you. As always - I welcome your thoughts, good and bad. And, as usual, I am unable to resist answering a question about one of these stories. I love the interaction, it is why I decided to do this in 'blog' form.
So, I left off with me going away to Interlochen, and Tom going to college.
We didn't really keep in touch much from then on. Not the same time as now. No cell phones or facebook, or any of that. But, somehow, when I moved down to Austin at 8 months pregnant with Max, Tom found me. I was living with my Mom, sleeping on an army cot in her dining room, and feeling pretty terrible about everything. Unattractive, heart broken, confused, scared...and alone.
I have no idea how Tom found me, or found out that I was in Austin, even, but he did - he was living there, too, going to UT - and he showed up at my Mom's house with his familiar, infectious smile looking (if possible) more handsome than ever.
"Come on, Jeni." he said cheerfully, after the initial shock of seeing me knocked up. "Let's go do something!"
The first night he took me to a beer garden to see some music. He drank beer, and I drank ice water. It was so hot, it was unthinkable to drink anything else. I remember being covered in sweat when we left the place at 1 in the morning.
The next night, he took me for a drive, then to the top of Mt.Bonnell. So we could talk.
Mt. Bonnell is in the middle of town, up a million steps, a great lookout point over Austin. We found a perfect spot to lie down, look at the stars and talk. And it was one of the only places in the city where the heat was bearable. Way up there, there was just a hint of a breeze that turned stifling into warm.
I told him all about everything. About Max's Dad, and how awful it had been. How I felt so ugly and unloveable, and about how scared I was to be doing this whole baby thing all by myself.
"Oh, Jeni." Tom said softly, as he stroked my hair while I rested my head on his shoulder. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met. No - I mean it." (as I shook my head,'no'.) "And I'll be damned if you aren't just prettier than ever all knocked up and everything. I never really saw any pregnant woman that was 'glowing' until I saw you. I'm telling you, Jeni....Oh dear!"
His arm stiffened up and went around me protectively, his whole body going from relaxed to stiff in less than a second.
"Ok...now just don't move, or say a word.." Tom whispered in my ear with some urgency. "Look right down there by our feet."
I did, and saw a giant skunk waddling around about an inch from our shoes. It was the first time I had ever seen a skunk this close up. I stifled a little squeak, and Tom quickly put his hand over my mouth.
"Don't be worried." he whispered right into my ear, "if we don't move a muscle, or make a sound he'll go away. They only spray when they're scared."
I nodded and stayed perfectly still.
That skunk waddled casually around our feet, checking us out, smelling things, as if he were a Sunday shopper! He was in no hurry. It felt like forever until that big boy finally waddled away, and meanwhile, Tom was holding me close, barely laughing into my ear and whispering things like, "look at that big thing...he's just takin' his sweet time. Don't mind us."
When the skunk was gone, I melted into Tom's arms, laughing. Oh! It was SUCH a good feeling! When you haven't laughed in a long time - and you finally do - well, it's just such a wonderful, wonderful feeling.
Tom laughed, too, and hugged me.
"Whew! that was a close call!" he said. "I've never been quite THAT close to a skunk!"
The hugs turned into kisses,the kisses quickly became intense, and every torturous teenaged longing for Tom rushed back into my heart and body. We kissed so deeply and passionately up there above the city, it was like some other force took over, and we were no longer in control.
"Let's get out of here." Tom finally said in a throaty whisper.
"Ok." I agreed.
Tom took me to his place. A house he was sharing. I think we were both experiencing the same turmoil as we drove there in his big truck. But something was stronger than the turmoil. Stronger than the doubt. Stronger than either of us in that moment.
As soon as we got inside his door, Tom picked me up in his arms as if I were a baby.He carried me into his bedroom and gently placed me on his bed.
"I can't believe you just did that." I said. "Am I not too heavy?"
"You are not. You're light as a feather." Tom replied. Then he turned down his sheets and brushed my hair back from my face.
"What can I get you? Water? Anything?"
I responded by bursting into tears. It was so OPPOSITE of how I'd been treated by the father of this child. He was being so nice to me - so kind...
"Jeni....Jeni.." Tom said as he gathered me into his strong arms. "You deserve to be treated like a princess. That's all there is to it."
I finally made love to my first sweetheart when I was eight and a half months pregnant with another man's child. I didn't plan it to be that way. I didn't want it to be that way. But I don't regret it. I can NOT sit here and pretend to be holier than I am, and tell you that I regret it.
Tom made love to me as if I were a princess, then held me for rest of the night.I slept that night in a golden haze. And as I drifted off to sleep, I thought, "This is how it should have been the whole time...when you're pregnant you should be sleeping with someone who loves you every night. Someone who makes you feel treasured - like this."
Tom left for a big rock-climbing trip right after that, and by the time he got back, Max was born, and I was making up my mind to go to Dallas and try to make it work with David.
We lost track of each other for years, and then Tom found me again.
We were long distance friends. He had a successful company that he was running in Salt Lake City - a company that invented and produced climbing gear. His passion had become climbing, and taking care of the earth. He would call me and tell me about the ups and downs of his business, and also the ups and down of his long term girlfriend, who seemed to delight in torturing him.
Then, not long after my X-husband beat me to a pulp in front of our 2 daughters, Tom arrived at my doorstep - out of nowhere, and single.
"Well, Jeni." Tom said, after he'd heard the story. "I just had a feeling you might need a friend."
I sure as hell DID!!! My face had JUST healed, after looking like the 'Elephant Man' for more than a month, and my insides had NOT healed. Tom was the most welcome face right then. And he was not judgmental - as SO many other people were (assuming it was my fault)- or anything. Once again he said, as he shook his head in sadness, "You deserve to be treated like princess, Jeni. You just do."
As I watched Tom playing with my children,I shook like a leaf.
Tom could see and feel the state I was in. He made no romantic overtures on this trip. He was there as my solid friend.
"Want to come out to the desert with me for a day trip?" he asked.
I just sort of looked at him, perplexed.
"Well, I understand if you don't want to. But I have to go out there and see my father, and I just would love a little more time with you, that's all."
I think wonderful Tom sensed that he was like a life raft for me right then, and he wasn't about to take it away any quicker than he had to.
"I would love to come. I've never met your father."
I had met his sweet, loving mother many times, but not his father. Despite that family's 'real Catholic' status, Tom's parents were divorced already when I met him, and Tom had had a hard time forgiving his father for leaving.
We went to 'the desert', which turned out to be the luxury of all luxury motor-home parks in Palm Springs.It was a good and much needed distraction.
At the end of the visit, Tom took my hand and asked me to take a walk with him. The dry heat was acting like a sauna on my nerves. Calming.
"Well, Jeni. I can't help wondering.." Tom said.
"Wondering what?"
"Well....I guess what it would have been like if we had ended up together. You know?"
I couldn't talk. Was feeling too delicate.I nodded.
"I never have stopped loving you. I never could. Life just took us in different directions, is all."
I looked up at him and nodded again. I hadn't stopped loving him, either. I never could. But I was SICK of crying - so I didn't say anything, and fought the tears.
"My father and Step-mom were sure taken by you. And my Mom loves you - she still asks about you."
"So does my Mom - about you." I managed. "You're the one that got away, as far as she's concerned."
Tom stopped me then, turned me to face him.
"I'm shutting down my factory, Jeni. I'm moving to California. I know this is nothing you can think about right now - it's way too much, too soon. But..."
I cut him off by diving into his chest for a hug. I held on for dear life.
"It's ok. It's gonna be ok, I promise." Tom said as he held me.
The last time I saw him was on my front steps, as he said goodbye. He finally kissed me - but it was soft and gentle. He seemed to know how very fragile I was.
"Now it's only goodbye for now, ok?" Tom reassured me. "I'm coming back - and I hope for good, ok?"
"Ok." I whispered.
"I just have to finish some stuff up about closing the business, and then I'll be back before you know it....and...well, goodness, Jeni. Will you think about things? When you're ready? I meant what I said. It'd be my honor to treat you like a princess for the rest of your life."
"Oh, Tom!" was all I could say as I flung my arms around him. "I love you."
I held on tight for as long as I could before he pried me loose and walked down the steps.
One month later, I got a call from Tom's mother.
Once again, I felt a sense of dread fill my entire body when I heard the phone ring.
"Jennifer?" the sweet, frail voice on the other end said.
"Yes. Yes, it's me."
"Well, I just have some terrible news."
I couldn't breath.
"Tom's had an accident. He went on a very difficult climb in Colorado - he was very excited about it - and he fell. He fell off the mountain."
"Oh no! NO! Is he.."
"Well, he's dead, Jennifer. He's gone. He died quickly, they say. Didn't experience any pain. He's with his Heavenly Father, now. And at least he died doin' what he loved to do."
We talked quite a bit over the next few months. Tom had his ashes scattered over that mountain - the beautiful mountain that he'd fallen from. Tom's mother seemed pretty ok about everything. Her faith made her feel ok about things. For her, Tom was just in a better place. A place where she could join him in time.
I envied her her strong conviction. I felt cheated. Left with a lifetime's worth of 'what if?'
My sweet Tom plucked away - right off a mountain top - just when we were maybe going to have... love. Real, lasting,romantic love. There is nothing better than being head over heels in lust with your very best friend.
So. That's what happened with Tom.
He was my knight in shining armor.
He, and Paul, and Marieke all make me think that expression is true.
ONLY THE GOOD DIE YOUNG.
Well, all I have to say about all that is - there BETTER be a better place. That they all got to go to. There just BETTER be.
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