the Trannies think I'm Renee Zellweger.

Later that evening (ten years and change ago), Stuart accompanied me to Rudolpho's, as promised.
Sure, enough, it was 'Moulin Rouge' night, and as we were dressed remotely 'French' - they let us in for $5, as our new friend had promised.

Stuart was in a gay mood (pun intended - sorry!),as he had been to Rudolpho's before, and had found it to his liking.

"I really think you're going to like this place!" he said, his hips already starting to sway to the dance music. "It's really great - because it's a mixed crowd, which is nice - and they play good dance music in this room!" Stuart was almost having to shout as we were indeed just inside the dancing room, and the volume was up.
I took a look around. It DID look like fun. Gay guys dancing, straight couples dancing - even a few Queens that really WERE there from the contest - all dressed up and sparkling with glitter! Stuart and I danced until we were sweaty and thirsty, then we made a bee-line for the bar.

"What do you want, honey? I'm buying!" Stuart exclaimed, gallantly.
We took our cocktails into the other big room, where people were mingling and admiring each other's costumes. More drag Queens! They all looked so good! There were all shapes and sizes and colors - and they all seemed so FRIENDLY! Now THIS was more like it!

I lost Stuart for a few minutes while I was chatting to one fetching Queen. She was probably 260 pounds, and looked like a character straight out of a John Water's movie. I finally spotted Stuart across the room, engaged in animated conversation with a VERY cute guy, so I made my way over. I didn't want to interrupt, but I was intrigued. The guy Stoo was talking to was a dark haired lad wearing a striped shirt, a beret, and a painted on mustache. AND they were speaking French!
"Oooo-la-la!" I thought. "JUST Stooey's type!"

Stuart introduced me to Alex (the Frenchie), and Alex introduced me to his friend, Veronica - a tall, svelte beauty with dark red hair, a clingy dress and 'fuck me' heels. Veronica looked me up and down, as if to size up what kind of a threat (or non-threat) I might be. Girls like this scared the daylights out of me. They really did. And the night had been going so well! But I was stuck talking to her, as Stoo and Alex chattered happily away in French.

I don't remember exactly what I said, but a couple of cold sentences into our conversation, I made Veronica laugh. And thus, the ice was broken. She was actually really smart and fun to talk to. Once again, I was having a great night!

"I have to pee!" I finally confessed to Veronica, when I couldn't stand it any longer. (this is typical girl behavior - having too much fun, and holding it 'till the last minute, even though you know from experience that you'll be waiting in line)
"Well, don't do it here." she retorted sassily.

I hurried off to the ladies room, and sure enough - a big, long line. Only most of these 'Ladies' were just ladies for the night.I immediately experienced a bad flash-back to the restroom at this club, 'Poop', in NYC, where one giantess of a Tranny threatened my life, and scared the dickens out of me. I tried to keep my head down and focus on the floor - but I guess I was doing the pee-pee dance - just a little, because one of those ladies piped right up.
"Oh! Girlfriend's got to go BAD!" she sing-songed. "Look! She's doin' the pee-dance!"
I didn't know whether to be afraid or not. I looked up at the girls cautiously, and seeing no malice in their faces, I smiled, sighed, and nodded, 'yes.'
"Oh, LADIES! Let a REAL lady in, please! She has got to GO!!!" my bathroom angel said as she bossed those other girls out of the way and pushed me into a stall.

Lord, I think we ALL know the great feeling that comes with the release of Niagara falls into a toilet, or snow bank - or WHEREVER it needs to fall, when it REALLY needs to fall.I came out of that stall feeling 3 liters lighter! And then, as I washed my hands, my bathroom angel still present, and the little bathroom crammed with flamboyant Queens and myself - something funny happened. One of the feathered, sparkly ladies grabbed me and shouted, "Renee!"

I didn't know what she meant, but before I could even think, I had a whole bathroom full of drag Queens yelling and grabbing at me in what felt like a hysterical frenzy.
"Oh my GAWD! It's Renee!!!" they yelled. Someone was pulling at my hair, and another hand was stroking my skirt.
"It's really YOU!!!! Oh my GOD - I LOVE YOU!!" one of the ladies yelled. I mean - they were LOUD. I was still confused - who the hell did they think I was?
"I TOLD you ladies to let her pass!" my bathroom angel piped up indignantly, "MISS RENEEE ZELLWEGER - IN THE HOUSE!!!!" "I lOVE you!" "Oh, Bridget Jones! I feel your pain, girl!" "Oh my Lord! I'm sorry I was hogging the line, Miss Renee!" "You are BEAUTIFUL!!! BEAUTIFUUUUUUUULLLLLL!!!!"

The bathroom had erupted into chaos. I tried to tell them that I was NOT Renee Zellweger, but they would have none of it.So, I tried to uphold Renee's good name, and backed out of the bathroom as graciously as I could. Oh, GIRL! I needed a DRINK!

So, I got one. Made my way back to Veronica. Calm, intelligent, non-screaming Veronica. We had a lovely time talking for the rest of the night. I was strangely attracted to her. She was - well, she was really great - but there was something else. She was different from other girls. Cooler or something - I couldn't put my finger on it.

And then, at the end of the night, she put her hand on my shoulder.
"I'd love to hang out with you again sometime." she said.
"Well, yea. OK." I said - a little nervously, because I didn't know how to feel about her hand on my shoulder. I had never been attracted to another woman. Not even in the least - although I THOUGHT I had been open minded to that possibility.
She seemed to sense my discomfort, and leaned in, as if to tell me a secret.
"I have to tell you something." she said. (Uh- oh.)
"I'm not really a woman." - and when Veronica said this sentence - her voice completely changed.It sounded like a normal, heterosexual man. I was FLOORED.
I think I might have done an actual double-take.Or triple-take. It shouldn't have been so surprising - we were surrounded by guys in drag - but SHE WAS SO GOOD!!!!
"You're not...?" I lamely slurred out.
Veronica shook her head, as if she had gone through this before. She - HE - was like a patient kindergarten teacher - waiting for me to understand.
"I'm a man." he said kindly, in his MALE voice. "And I like women. I just do this sometimes - not very often - for fun. My real name is Paul."

My mind was sufficiently blown. And then, on the way home from the club, Stuart blew it some more.
"Well - you weren't the ONLY one who was led down a garden path." Stuart said jovially.
"What do you mean?" I replied, "YOU met the man of your DREAMS! He is EXACTLY your type, AND he's French, AND you guys couldn't stop talking all night!"
"Honey...." Stuart looked at me, bursting with laughter, " he's NOT French, AND - he's STRAIGHT!!"

Oh, what a night!

I went on a few dates with Paul, although we never got past a kiss on the cheek, and Alex moved in with me a month later - claiming he needed a place to stay for one month, while he was in transition. He ended up staying for a year, we went through 911 together,lit Hanukkah candles together with my kids, he dated my best friend, and ten years later, we ended up going to Thailand together with my 'gay husband', Mark.

But THAT, my darlings, is DEFINITELY a story for another night!


PS - Happy Birthday, dearest Paul! your girlfriend seems an angel!