My Billy Crystal story (and Rudy's- which is better!)

Ok. This is a short, Oscar night-worthy story.
I live blocks away from the Kodak theater, were they film the Oscars now. But I feel a world away. Tonight, however, as I was watching the show all by myself, I thought - "I've met a couple of those people.."

A couple of years ago, when Obama and Hillary Clinton were neck and neck in the race for Dem candidate, I was invited to a Hillary Clinton fund raiser in Beverly Hills.
Swayed by my gay husband, Mark's, constant appeal for me to date men with JOBS, I was going to this as a date with a top city official. He was a toad of a man, if you must know. I was trying to get past his physical appearance, but I could not get past his crass, new-wealth behavior. My alternate motive in going out on about 3 dates with Toady, was that I wanted to convince him to STOP allowing every fast talking slime ball(who probably bribed him) to tear down historical buildings. LA is a pretty new city. We need our history.

After we had left his mercedes old man car with the valet, and strolled into the beautiful modern mansion, littered with significant modern art that my date had never heard of, we made our way out to the pool area, where Hillary would be speaking to a small crowd of about 60 people. Toady tugged the arm of my dress.
"Look!" he said. "It's Billy Crystal!"
Good grief. He didn't know who Andy WARHOL was, but he recognized Billy Crystal.I looked over to where he was pointing and nodding like an imbecile to see someone who may or may not have been Billy Crystal. I tried to get a better look, but the puppet-like man who looked vaguely like Billy Crystal, if he had been turned into silly-putty and stretched, turned away.
"I need to find the powder room before she speaks, anyway." I informed Toady as he stuffed his face with bacon wrapped shrimp.
"What room is that?" he asked me around his mouthful.
"The restroom. The toilet. The W.C. Capice?"

I didn't really care whether he did or not.I was here for Hillary. I strolled passed the alleged Billy crystal puppet - and sure enough! It really WAS him!
Good Lord, if I ever needed incentive not to get any plastic surgery - this was it. The man looked like someone had freaked OUT on his face.
THIS was 'Harry'? from 'When Harry Met Sally'????? Darling, cute HARRY!!????? It was a terrible slap into reality. Only - REALITY would have LOOKED so much better!

(OMG! Bjorn just called me for a date! WHAT am I getting myself INTO!!??) (BLIND DATE!)(YIKES!!!)

Ok - back to blog.

So, Rudy was here for the weekend last week. Yes - that very same one. (only I suspect he hasn't got the same problem anymore, and if you met his girlfriend, I think you'd be with me! She looks like Jessica Rabbit. And is sweet and SMART and - 'nuff said.)
So, Billy Crystal came up in conversation, and Rudy said, "OH - I have a great Billy Crystal story!"
Rudy was a pretty big child/teen actor. And among his credits, he was in a movie that's a bit of a cult classic now.
"SO - we were at the screening of the movie - MY MOVIE.." he said (he was the star), "and Billy Crystal was sitting right in front of us." (Rudy was there with his friend who was also in the movie) "And I was like - OH shit! It's BILLY CRYSTAL! But I was so nervous, I was absent mindedly kicking his chair - it was the chair in front of my friend, Adam. We were both 15,.. kids. This was a super big deal for us."
"YEA. But Billy was sitting in front of ME.".. Adam chimed in.
"So, Billy Crystal turns around and says to Adam, 'Stop kicking my chair!' in a pretty mean way. And Adam just looks at him. Before he has time to say anything.."
"Like, 'It wasn't me - it was my friend'.." Adam interjects.
"Yea. Like that. Billy Crystal says, 'Stop kicking my fucking chair you little punk or I'll come back there and punch you in the face', or something....."
"And you guys are 15? You're just kids?" I ask.
"Yea, we're 15." Adam.
"..And it was YOUR movie! What a jerk!" I say.
"Yea, so years later I'm at a Lakers game, and there's Billy Crystal...YEARS later."
"Oh, yea. I forgot about this.." (Adam)
"So, I go up to him and tell him the story. And I end it with telling him that my friend is a BIG fan of his, and you know, that was pretty devastating for him. So Billy looks right at me, perfect comedic pause, and says, 'Tell your friend to go fuck himself.'"

I looked at both of them. "So, the moral of the story is that Billy Crystal is an asshole?"

"Yea. But a fucking FUNNY one."